One Blog, One Resolution, & Cheers to 2011!

Hello Blog World! I hope you all are enjoying the holiday season. I love this time of year, despite the stresses, there is something magical about how much nicer everyone seems to be and the first snowfalls seem to christian the air and lay silence over the land. How the falling snow seems to sparkle and at night when all is quiet and it feels so peaceful and pretty. I am the type who continues to light the tree after Christmas because it still makes me smile. And when my girls are cheerful and enjoying the holiday company, everything is perfect!

I know I ramble, but life has been great and I have been crazy busy so this is my only December post. And though my original goal was four times a month, I'm ok with this. I am not going to ever beat myself up for the things I don't accomplish when I know I am doing my best to make my way through this journey and more importantly, I am willing to make compromises even if it means slowing down and enjoying good company, nature, and anything new that comes my way.

So here we wrap up 2010 and put it in a pretty little package called a memory. Some of it has been captured in photos and writing, but mostly it sits within us. It hasn't been an easy year by any means and there was tragedy. The violent death of a dear friend and watching her sons grow up without their parents has been something I wasn't quite prepared for and even in just thinking about it now, it is overwhelming and sad and scary - but I'm not going down that road right night.

I also made a major decision and left my job at an agency I was with for 14 years. It was one of my original resolutions and though I continue to deal with the implications (huge pay cut and not so generous with the benefits) I in no way regret that decision. I am happy once again at work, there are quarterly bonuses to strive for (I love challenges), and my supervisor really likes me. Less than three months there and I was already offered a new position which would have been a promotion that offered more money, but it was second shift and being able to pick up my youngest daughter from school so she can do drama, art club, etc., is important to me so I turned it down. I was assured there would be lots of other opportunities and I already knew that. I didn't just leave one company to accept the first job offer that came my way - opportunity to advance and earning potentials were at the top of the list!

So my resolutions from 2010 went something like this: professional - get a new job (check), Writing: blog four times a month and write weekly on stories (check). Okay, I didn't blog four times a month and had weeks without writing, but I only answer to myself. Besides, I created this blog like three years ago and my very first post wasn't until January 1, 2010 and consistently since then - make that a check PLUS! Personal: was something about ten new things - again Check Plus! The list includes(but I may be forgetting a few things): kayaking, played tennis (a lot), tried scallops (new food, tried twice and prefer with just ketchup over bacon-wrapped), a new mountain hiked (Big Moose in Moosehead, Maine), this blog, new job (yeah, they can be part of both goals, my resolutions so my rules!), conquered fear of deep water and improved on swimming and can now float on my back (I don't think I have had any other fears other than water so that is more major than it sounds, especially from someone who embraces nature!). I also joined a gym -okay very recently but I'm going! Also, a helicopter ride... amazing!!! Still have opportunities to go again but I have been so busy! Last but not least, actually most importantly and without any intentions the most important new thing happened to me. I became a grandmother which of course was not in the plans, but I was a very young mother so I was apt to become a young grandmother, and Baby Trenton has become my first true male love! He is beautiful in every way and I love him through and through!

So here I wrap up 2010 and look ahead to 2011. I've decided that it makes sense to only have one new year's resolution. Seriously, and no I don't mean "no resolutions" you cynics! The one resolution will be 11 new things for 2011! That way anything I accomplish can be included and I will continue to do what I always do - move forward and enjoy life with open arms!

Cheers to 2011!

Save a Horse, Ride the Cowboy?

Okay, that song is just playing on the radio, but what I really need to do is save my script! In order to save my script as we come towards the end, my protagonist has got to redeem himself (gettting there), stop his girl from getting on a flight (he may not, but she'll come back in the end... what can I say, I'm a sap for happy endings), get back her pendant (check), save the shelter (check) and stop his father from shipping X amount of jobs overseas! DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DE-DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DAA-DAAAAA DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DE-DUM-DE-DE-DUM, DE-DAA-DAA-DAA-DAA-DAAAA!

Yes, whole lotta love...err...saving going on! And that is where I am stuck - how to stop the jobs from being shipped overseas. My main character Seth (light romantic comedy) has just gone through quite the ordeal and in doing so has come to realize what his girlfriend has been saying and why she is leaving. Along this journey of self-discovery, he also got some unexpected insight into his father's pharmaceutical company and met a former employee (now homeless)who was laid off during the first round of job cuts. So as I'm wrapping up everything, I know I have to stop the new batch of job cuts and get this guy his job back- but I don't know how.

Part of Seth's problem with his girlfriend (and inability to take life serious)is because he's an uptown boy and she's a downtown girl (sorry Billy) so they have differing views on those less fortunate. Also, his father has always been controlling and never gave Seth any real responsibility. The movie opens with a company meeting about the jobs being shipped out and Seth makes a joke and his father responds in turn with another joke. So now I realize this is my opportunity to go back and rewrite the scene to where Seth is trying to contribute something insightful (maybe) but instead his father brushes off his idea. And it can be this idea that comes to fruit in the end.

So if anyone has any ideas on what can save a large (made-up) pharmaceutical company from shifting jobs overseas (to save money)... I'd love to hear them! Now I'm going to turn off the radio before I get tempted to make a Margarita (take me away Jimmy!)while I rework a couple scenes.

Recycle, Reduce and Reuse!

What a great day off from work! I managed to clean out my shed (by which I really mean reorganized and crammed in more stuff like the patio chairs, grill, etc) and in doing so I also took out all the bagged returnable bottles and cans which have been accumulating in an ever growing pile! So yes, I finally brought them into the redemption center which not only gave me a few bucks but also got me thinking about the whole recycling thing -which is good and not so good. Okay - it also got me wondering how the guy was able to talk with his buddies without losing track of the number of returnables I brought in...

But back to the recycling... I mean, I take the time to recycle returnable beverage containers and I also recycle glass, aluminum, plastic and paper because we have curb side recycling in town -which is a great thing. But I also have to wonder about all it involves. First we have these extra trucks coming by every week stopping at each house to collect and sort the materials. So right there is fuel use and pollution added into the environment. Then the stuff gets brought to the center where machines (also using power and causing pollution) breaks down the materials into re-usable materials. I try to weigh it all out in my mind. It provides jobs... but it also takes job from the makers of the original products; but it saves on limited resources and helps save trees and... well whatever stuff is used to make plastic, aluminum and glass... okay so I didn't say I researched this... just got me thinking. I also suppose there is less waste in the landfills which is definitely a good thing.

Of course I will continue to recycle because it feels like the right thing to do - even if I'm not completely convinced on how much of a difference it makes. I guess when you hear the three-part slogan "recycle, reduce, reuse" that "reduce" really trumps the other two, with "reuse" as second best, and then what you don't eliminate or reuse, you should recycle. Okay - I really have no idea how that stinky sock (was that mold?) ended up with my bottles but I don't think I want to reuse or recycle it!

Continuing the good verses not so good mind trip I'm currently on - I refrain from using paper products and plastic but when you don't use paper plates, for example a kid's birthday party, then think about all the extra water you're using to clean the glass plates? And aren't we suppose to be mindful of water usage? And of course I'm totally guilty of buying lots of products that I just can not recycle because my town limits the types of plastics it recycles - but I really need certain hair products (and it's not up for debate).

We say we want to make a difference and we do a few little things and feel good about ourselves, but sometimes it feels fake. I know they say that ignorance is bliss -which is why I looked away when the guy at the redemption center opened a bag of rather sticky and not so clean bottles - but mostly I don't want to be ignorant. Despite the fact that I am using plastic bags that are getting thrown away to bring in the returnable plastic beverage containers! Yet I trust that someone out there has done the research and I am totally on board with the "reduce" and "reuse" and will just have to trust that "recycling" is a good thing too!

October passes...

It's official - October comes to an end and Halloween once again passes by which is sad, not only because now I have to bring in and put away all the Halloween decorations, but also because I also have leaves to rake, unfinished yard work, windows to winterize, and yeah the list goes on. Also, I had to put my heat on for the first time today - yep, Autumn has fully set in and winter is right around the corner!

However tempting it is just to let each dark evening claim the day and hibernate until warmer days, I have to keep active! So I am looking for snowshoes this year, more hiking, and hopefully some cross-country skiing this winter!

Also though, I can look forward to cozy evenings with my netbook and my stories. Time to put away the "summer excuses" and get writing on a more regular schedule - with hot cocoa of course! Yes - October may feel like another year is slipping past but it's been a great year and during these darker months... well within darkness there is the unknown and with the unknown there are endless possibilities!

Cheers!

Versatile Blogger award!

On October 20th, my blog was recognized with a Versatile Blogger award by the very lovely and talented blogster Regina! I am very delighted and humbled that she chose my blog as one in five to recognize!

ver·sa·tile - capable of or adapted for turning easily from one to another of various tasks, fields of endeavor, etc.: a versatile writer.
variable or changeable, as in feeling, purpose, or policy: versatile moods.

Okay, I am definitely very changeable but jumping from one task to another... well that is just my inability to stay on topic, but I'm going to ride this wave just the same!

As part of this recognition I am to share five things about myself so here goes:

1. This part of the award was actually difficult for me, hence my delay in announcing and sharing. After some soul searching I realize that though I'm very much an open book to anyone I know and I throw a lot of personal info just out there, I am actually quite reserved when put in the spotlight.

2. I have three very beautiful and talented daughters and they mean the world to me!

3. I am on a mission to experience and live life as fully as possible! Now that the girls are older and I have more free time, I am constantly seeking out new opportunities and experiences. This year includes kayaking and a helicopter ride!

4. My desire to write stories started in childhood. It was an escape from reality and thus the stories I create are my little escapes. However, I also realize that my ability to create stories is the easy part and the actual writing part... not so easy - but this is a challenge I will not give up on!

5. I can accept that I don't have everything I desire in life but I also can be appreciative that I have as much as I do. Really and truly, I have lots of great friends, but I'm still looking for that very one special friend who will both intrigue and excite me and will let me into his heart as I let him into mine. Yes - I want a "happily ever after"!!

Also - as part of this recognition, I am in turn to recognize 5 great blogs. If you are not already following these blogs, check them out:

http://regina-unsettled.blogspot.com/

http://myblossomingmind.blogspot.com/

http://thejourneythenovel.blogspot.com/

http://jevron-mccrory.blogspot.com/
-- and check out his novel - Swan Song http://ebookundead.com/swan-song/

http://marklaflamme.com/blog/
-- and check out his newest book for sale - Box of Lies

Balance

Balance - I remind myself that it is a continual effort...not something obtained once and then it's done -check it off the list. It's the practice what I preach to my girls, it's the having faith and trusting, and it is the stop and focus - and breathe. I let myself get so distracted and I think as long as I'm having fun… but at what expense? So deep breath - time to get grounded again.

I know what is most important to me - we all do, the list usually starts with family and from there they vary some, but financial independence is important, and being able to practice the arts we each enjoy individually of course makes the list. For me that is writing and photography. It's the need to capture moments and ideas and share them. It is taking the ordinary and making it beautiful, making it my own.

I am not always able to do that with photography. Sometimes I'm just not ready, like not having a camera with me as I watched a single red leaf tumble down from a Maple tree, turning ever so slowly, and I held my breath for the moment and felt the slight chill of the Autumn air as all my other senses perked up and I could smell and hear the crispness of the collected fallen leaves, and knowing at that moment, that I love Autumn, and I wanted to take that picture and capture that moment... but at last the leaf fell, joining the others, and I wasn't ready.

Sometimes, I am ready with my camera but I'm not able to capture the picture as I experience it, and this is due to having a less than suitable camera for the photography I want to achieve. This is a financial goal that I can work towards. Of course, due to recent sidesteps with my employment, I have to be patient and get the finances back in order first but it will happen. For now I can work on techniques, like framing and capturing optimal lighting.

And then there is writing. I love taking individual words and stringing them together to create more than sentences, but feelings. I will actually reread sent emails, blogs, cover letters, etc, because I impress myself. Yet for the ultimate writing experience, scripts and stories worthy to be sent out, I often stumble. Now, I have been writing stories ever since I was a child and new ideas are always coming to me. I am great at starting and then something happens and I stop, and to get excited again I find myself switching off to another story or script. Unlike photography, I do not have the excuse of lacking equipment. And as I have mentioned in past blogs, lacking time is never a valid excuse for me.

When I'm feeling grounded, I am at my best with committing time to write. Of course when I'm feeling emotional, I am best at creating. Like all the other contradictions in my life, it's a matter of balancing the two. And of course, they don't have to be contradictions - emotions can be great and healthy and exciting, and when the not so happy ones consume me and I feel off, I could always write it out to capture the moment, and then take control again. Somewhere within lies the answer to why I stumble and not complete my works but for now I will just have to have faith that as I continue my journey I will figure it out.

To feel balanced, overall, I need to accept where I am in life and be active and healthy. I stay fairly active and I'm healthy, but now and then I get stuck with the "accepting" part. So here I sit and remind myself that I do have a beautiful family. I have a great job, a roof over my head, amazing friends, and so many opportunities. I am very fortunate and I don't forget those who go without the basics that most of us take for granted. I of course live in ignorance of the real pain and suffering out there - that is a defense mechanism we are all equipped with for if we could truly feel how much hurt and fear there is we would not be able to cope with our own daily lives. My point, though, is that life is good for me...so here I am accepting again.

Today, I took the family to the fall festival at Wolf Neck Farm in Freeport, Maine. Beautiful day out and we had a great time. I absolutely love those opportunities. However, I am feeling the need for a solo hike in the woods. So tomorrow, just me and nature - embrace autumn, take some pictures, and be with myself. Then I will truly be grounded again.

Curiosity killed the... blog post

I've always had a curious nature and my curiosity has gotten me in trouble a number of times. As a child the incidents precede my own memory but I've been told stories from my toddler years of getting my head stuck between bars and roofing tar in my hair. I was always running off and talking to strangers and asking questions and getting into trouble.

I was often cited in school during the early years for not paying attention but that wasn't really true because I was always paying attention - not always to what was being taught but whatever the current preoccupation was... even if it was just the way the wallpaper pictures didn't line up perfectly at the borders.

When I was about 7 or 8 and left with the siblings at the babysitters, we were jumping on the king size bed. I think we had permission, but what I recall was how we were taking turns falling backwards to bounce back up again. I wanted to get the best bounce so was paying attention to how everyone else was doing it and noticed that the others always bent their legs before landing on their butts. I figured if I could go straight down, without bending whatsoever, then I could perhaps have the perfect bounce. Determined I stood at the center of the bed and took a deep breath as I fell straight back - no bending, and I did it. I don't recall the bounce at all just that it hurt like hell!


It's this curiosity I share with you as I continue to paint my life and experience and experiment however the hell I want. I am an adult and I do adult things and this is an adult blog. So first off, if we've had sex in the past than perhaps you shouldn't be stalking my blog as an anonymous follower because lets face the facts, I'm over you. I will make the exception for one in Denmark who will always have a special place in my thoughts and I hate that I broke his heart - but everyone else, bugger off. Secondly, I have to smirk a little that I still manage to affect you ;)

Now moving on - I have a hard time not narrating in my head when I get a spark for an idea or I start to feel emotional (good or bad... or excited for that matter). It's like a "writing moment" flag comes up and I start to form the sentences in my thoughts and think about my stories and characters - not always at appropriate times mind you. So someone took offense to my last blog *coughs* and I had to reread it and when I did, I felt that tingle down my back and noticed my legs start to tense because it brought me right back to those moments. Yes, it was a valid piece (thanks ML) and the emotions and stakes were high, yet I deleted it because well, suddenly I felt naked and exposed. Now that is something I need to work on - my writers skin - because I have learned a lot through the years, like the fact that falling flat on my back even on the softest of surfaces will hurt like hell, but also, I can't please everyone ;)

Enraptured by Nature

I went out to the rock quarry yesterday by myself. The walk on the trails was a welcomed escape from the clutter of my house. At the larger pond, surrounded by trees, are some cliffs inviting the foolish to jump off into the dingy water. It is there that I sat with my notebook to write down some thoughts.

The warmth of the sun was inviting and I soon shed the outer layers of my clothing and laid down to bask in its embrace. The heat pressed down against me, pinning my body to the rigid stone surface. I relaxed, gave in, let my thoughts drift as beads of sweat danced on my belly.

Then I heard the howl - I couldn't feel it yet but I knew it was approaching. Like an incoming wave at the ocean, it got louder as it built up, ready to crash down upon me. The trees swayed as it raced through them, circling the gorge, coming...

The wind screamed out as it coursed through my body; lifting its thrall to its wrath, raising goosebumps, tantalizing, violating ... I trembled.

A butterfly, pivotal plot point, and a small victory!

"Put your hands where I can see them and step away from the keyboard!" That is what I am telling myself as I'm stuck and I've just notice a lot of time going by and my thoughts are wandering and the paragraph keeps changing, but not progressing and I've been on page 40 since I opened up Final Draft this morning... Okay - there, I closed it!

Two weeks from today I started the outline for this screenplay (from the beach) and got quite a bit done. This week, still typing away, the story is almost all there but I've noticed a couple things. For one I feel my story is more than half way over but I'm only on page 40... umm.. problem. A movie is generally about a about 100 pages (figure one minute per page)and at this rate the end credits will be running where the climax is suppose to hit! Also - needs more comedy - more characterization as well. I figured if I could just get through the script, then I can back-track and fluff it up. But here I am on page 40 and I'm stuck on transitioning...

I don't like to give away my stories online, but basically guy about to lose girl, hasn't quite figured it out yet, but here should be the turning point... now he's going to try... and things should seem good for a few more pages when something unexpected and huge and disastrous should make it look like he realized too late, that it was all for nothing, really he should give up but then ... well forget then, how about now? I'm at a turning point for my protagonist. Now he realizes the error in his ways - or he thinks he does, and tries to correct what he did wrong. Through this process where he is practically faking it in desperation, he will start to really see what he's been missing. Then of course it might be too late... but that is where I need to get to.

So basically I know how the story ends, just stuck on a pivotal plot point. This is where I miss having a writing partner. I also need to work on some character profiling, to make certain I understand my characters and give them their unique voices. "Creating Unforgettable Characters" by Linda Seger has been helpful. I will finish reading this week so I can return it to its owner.

But anyway the sun is peeking out and I am going to pick up my daughter at school and may go for a walk in the woods to clear my head.

I'm quite content with the amount of writing I have accomplished during the last few weeks, not just on this script but in polishing up some other stories. I go back to work next week and I'm ready. I will go back to writing at night and on the weekends and frantically getting everything else done before and after work. On a good note, the agency I left confirmed that I should have been allowed to work the notice I gave and agreed to pay me for the entire month of September! Ahh... small victories always taste good :)

Hitting the Beach!

Last week we had a heat wave. Convenient timing with me being temporarily out of work. I decided to become a beach bum. Actually on the first Monday of my new "temporarily unemployed" status I thought I would go to the air conditioned library partly because I don't have an air conditioner but mostly to ignore all the laundry, dishes, and other daily chores that I usually squeeze in before and after working hours. These were now my work days and I knew that sipping coffee while listening to old tunes from the 80s would only lead to long stretches of dusting and washing - things I generally do in a frenzy, not at leisure. So netbook in hand, to the library I went.

The problem with the library and it's unlimited resources (and air conditioning) is that it also has internet. In front of the computer with internet meant I would quickly check my email, and then Facebook, and then other blogs, and then Facebook - well someone was talking to me- and then the writing forums, and then email again. I certainly had Final Draft opened as well as Word - hadn't quite decided what to work on - and ultimately did very little writing.

So the next day I decided to go to the beach - no internet. I had my chair, towel, camera, sunblock, lunch, frozen water, netbook and a regular notebook with pen - and in my bathing suit I went! It was actually pretty great. Even in the shade I couldn't really see the netbook well enough so I used the old pen and paper and picked one project (a script for a comedy idea I had been kicking around for over a year) and started writing the outline. I had previously given the story line some thought so I did have some mental images and I got lost in them.

There were other beach patrons, lots of kids splashing in the water, many birds, and the air was warm and sticky -but none of these things distracted me. It was like I was in my own plane of existence, surrounded in a protective circle. I remember looking up and realizing how I hadn't even noticed so many more people had arrived. I ate my lunch, thought more on my script ideas and then went for a long walk out on the trails that follow the shore.

On my return walk, I decided to go in for a swim. I thought about how I only really mastered floating on my back this year. It's funny how when it comes to trusting others I had always been able to do so "live on the edge" and reach out my hand. Yet, trusting myself... well why didn't I? This is the demon I will conquer this year in reaching my goal of trying new things - expanding my horizons - and this will unleash my inner writer; unlike my writing years of past when I approached the keyboard wearing a buzz like jewelry. So with the help of a friend earlier this summer, I trusted I could float on my back. This first solo- beach day I mastered it and swam about on my back, playing in the water all by myself like a little kid.

I got in more writing before I left and decided to go back the next day. Again, write to the notebook - as in paper and pen (didn't bring the netbook) and cranked out the first scene. A guy who had noticed me the day before when we exchange polite greetings came over to introduce himself. Turns out he is part of the AHC - Appalachian Hiking Club, a club I had recently researched and considered joining. We talked briefly, exchanged emails, then I ate my lunch and decided to go for another nature walk. This time I took my beach bag with my notebook, camera, etc. I walked quite a ways, no longer able to hear any of the beach patrons but instead the chipper of busy chipmunks and calls of various birds. I didn't hear anything from the snake I almost stepped on but since he didn't slither I was able to get a couple pictures.

As I thought out my script, I would stop along different points and write and then walk some more. One particular spot, caught in the shot above, I spent a great deal of time at while finishing up the second scene. I decided I was enjoying myself way too much and would bring my daughter the next day as soon as school let out (I did). Yep, I believe that officially made me a beach bum, especially if I count that I went out to the ocean the Sunday before. But the weather was amazing for late August/early September and the amount of writing I got in - along with a little bit more color, was well worth the time. That evening and in the mornings to follow at home I transferred from paper to my netbook and I have continued to work on the script. Just this morning (Labor Day) I was impressed that for two hours straight from the time I woke up I wrote before checking email or Facebook.

So ends another weekend and starts another work week where I don't have to dress up into office clothes. The heatwave has broken and the forecast shows average temperatures for this week -in the 70s. Tia back to school, friends and family back to work. Well I think this week I will do some hiking - with pen and paper!

Reaching New Heights

Last Friday was a day of highs and lows. I had recently given my notice at work (one of my 2010 new year's resolutions - get a new job) and was prepared that day to leave immediately or give as much notice as she wanted. The new job was flexible for when I started and I had concerns due to certain drama at work that I may be asked to just leave -no noticed needed. Instead she appeared sad and excited for me at the same time and said I could give as much notice as I wanted - I gave a month. I went home and felt some trepidation towards her reaction and emailed her. I got back this email reply stating how wonderful I have been - her "right hand" person for so long and what a huge hole I would be leaving, but that I was very marketable and with my experience/resume that they couldn't afford to keep me. Blah, blah, blah - she's so politically professional. I didn't tell her I was taking a huge pay cut just to get the hell out of there!

However - in the business world people are not to be trusted. Friday - she shows up at the office and says she decided to accept my immediate resignation and asked for my keys. She had no good answer when I asked why. She said I would be paid for the next two weeks. My best guess is that our outreach person and her personal friend had just lost her funding and would be taking over my hours. WTF - right? Seriously, I have done some great work for this agency and this is how she ends it?

But anyway - not to be deterred, I was scheduled for a helicopter ride that night and was close to cancelling when I decided no, I needed something new and fun. Let me just say it was amazing! OMG - it was more than amazing, it was exhilarating! We flew over the city, over the lake and to the mountains in northern Maine. We landed on Saddleback Mountain - on a peak near impossible to hike to unless you hike up and down and up again from the mountain before it. We got out and hung out there, took some pictures and I felt so free, so enlighten. So high on life - and so determined!

In truth, I may just be stuck in denial. Have I really thought out this huge pay cut and how I am going to pay my mortgage? Not to mention a couple of weeks with no income... Hell no - but still I'm not afraid. I have given up ideal hours and great benefits for less but I feel good about this because I have stepped away from something stagnant, something that was holding me back. And the program I leave behind is something I truly believe in but after 14 years and no real changes in the work I do - I was feeling so stuck and bored. I will miss some of the women - some of the greatest women I have ever known, but I will keep in contact with them. Keep in mind, that in a few months I might be blogging from the library as I won't be able to pay my Internet bill... but that's another story. I just know that when there is a will there is always a way. This new job offers lots of opportunities for advancement and due to less hours, I will have more writing time!

Balloons in the City

Last weekend was the Balloon Festival here in Lewiston & Auburn Maine. All kinds of hot air balloons launched at dawn and dusk for three days and filled the skies as vendors sold their wares and live music played on both sides of the twin cities. I of course took my camera and chased balloons. I got some great shots of balloons over the canal and river and going past the church. I also got some great close ups and angles that would make for better display photos, but I chose this particular picture for this post because this is what it really boiled down to - balloons in the city.

When a mirror is dirty we take glass cleaner and clean it because it makes sense to see a clear image. When life is difficult we keep things in perspective and focus on the positive because that makes sense as well. It is also healthy - for just because there are hardships and sadness, you would not benefit from draining your energy on things you can not change. However, sometimes instead of looking past the telephone poles and wires, trying to leave them out for that perfect shot, you have to stop and appreciate all that you have -including what you may consider less or ugly. And I mean really appreciate because everything that affects us, everything that has happened to us, makes us who we are today.

So today, August 30, 2010 I start a new chapter. I am excited and honestly I am not scared, although I keep thinking I should be for some recent changes that have occured will greatly change much in my life - but more on that in my next blog. Really, I am just excited and ready. I have been tugging along at this slow speed for way too long and if you know me personally than you would know that I need and crave excitement. I think I decided long ago that due to becoming a young parent I would (mostly) have to give up living on the edge. For awhile I wasted time playing role-playing games (when the children were young and went to bed) where I could pretend life was more exciting - because slaying a dragon is pretty damn cool! Also -I took to my stories in my head and started putting them on paper - not to my satisfaction but this will definitely be part of this new chapter in my life!

But more than all that, I am going to start really living again. My history takes me from a underprivileged child in a broken home, to a wild teenager, to a young parent, to a hard working single mom - but codependent on guys in oh so many ways. I can accept that I have needed the attention from males to make me feel good about myself and keep me entertained. Often, once I captured someones full attention, I would get bored and be ready for new attention. This has taken me on adventures from California to Europe on more than one occasion and I have no regrets - life has been mostly exciting.

Recently things have changed and I wasn't able to capture the full attention of one particular guy that I will call Peter Pan. I gave him that much credit, that he would be the magic into new adventures and opportunities, that he would take me to Neverland like no other guy has ever been able to do. It turns out he was just another regular guy who couldn't even lift me off the ground, let alone fly himself. He had told me he wasn't there mentally for me - but I only took it as a challenge - afterall the physical connection was pretty damn good. However, the experience has humbled me some and this is good. I realize I sometimes get blinded by passion and now once again the glass is clean, the telephone wires are in the way, and I can see that it wasn't going to be anything more -and more importantly I can truly just let it go.

My main focus for the month of September will be (1)Get my house back in order - whereas my oldest daughter has recently moved out so I can once again fix up the family room downstairs and tackle the cellar. (2)Writing - oh yeah, not just blogging but working on my actual stories! I am also going to post a flier at the library to start a writers group as I no longer have a Monday night write partner. This is just another example of good coming from bad (or to use the old cliche that when one door closes another one opens!) (3)Hiking and enjoying nature as much as possible before I go back to work in October (more on that in next blog). (4) Photography- this really goes with #3 as I love nature photography more than any other kind. I also like posting a picture with my blogs so will make it a new goal from here forward to use actual photos I have taken with my blogs. (5) Anything new! I am still working on my ten new things a year resolution and I am hoping to knock off a couple more during one of my favorite months!

So this summer has been crazy. Some of the things that have happened I will not share for they are personal to my family and and we continue to deal with. I have not gotten in much writing at all (sadly) but I have certainly been out and about and experiencing and taking advantage of opportunities and creating some changes that I am very excited about! Overall, life is good and beautiful. And no matter where you are in life, it helps to look up - you may just realize that telephone poles and wires and street lights can be beautiful.

To the Top of the Mountain!

I love summer. I really love just being outdoors and enjoying the weather - so ok, spring and autumn are great too and with a pile of clothes I can enjoy winter as well. But right now I am enjoying summer. When I am outdoors away from the house, the office, the chores, the bills, etc, etc, I can forget about those things and truly be with myself. I can feel the air on my skin and appreciate the greatness of our vast planet and I feel energized and excited and, most importantly, I feel alive.

I went hiking the other day at Big Moose Mountain (formerly known as Big Squaw Mountain) and brought along my 13 year old daughter who does not like the concept of hiking. It was a new mountain for me and my friend minimized the hike as gradual and easy. I really got worried when early on in the hike my daughter, Tia, got dizzy and had to sit down. All of a sudden my gung-ho that I always will make it to the top started to slip past me like a rock that I kicked out underfoot and had tumbled down the cliff. I had to make it to the top but at the same time, I could never leave my child behind. My mind raced with the "what ifs". What if she couldn't finish, then I would have to come back, I would never let this hike go unfinished! What if I pushed her on and then she past out? What if - what if... my thoughts tried to keep pushing out, but I could hear a variety of birds and a cool breeze washed over me and I relaxed. It was such a beautiful day.

The group was fantastic and seemingly appreciated the reason to stop and take a break. After a few minutes and some water, Tia was ready to press on. That's my girl! It was a good hike. It was steep at times and very rocky. Leveled ground was like little god-sends as were all the little log bridges that crossed the streams. This particular trail was used at some point by fire marshalls who had erected a tower at the top to watch for forest fires.

The hike itself was to take about three to four hours. Midway up was an old cabin falling apart - where the guy who had built the bridges and some of the stairs had stayed during that time. It was full with carvings of initials and signatures of hikers past. My friend Ken who has been hiking this trail since he was a child had his mark in several places with the year noted. We all add our own names and took pictures and then pressed on.

Just as most of the group was ready for another break, we came to a look out point with a great view of Moosehead lake. A huge boulder made for a great resting point as we drank water, ate trail mix and took pictures. My body was riveting -the feeling of heat born of hard work and sweat and the slight breeze mingled and danced throughout me in enlightenment and renewed energy. Life is good. More so life is beautiful and sweet and precious and the opportunities are endless.

The top of the mountain was not in site but I knew we were going to make it. I was enjoying the climb and being immersed in nature. Everything was so beautiful and I was sharing the experience with my beautiful young daughter. It reminded me that much of life is exactly like that. I sometimes forget when I am in the hurry to to complete something, like a book I'm working on, that I should just enjoy the journey, for as long as I'm moving forward, I will reach the top.

When someone up ahead shouted they could see the tower, my first thought was already? But then that gave Tia the energy to push forward and get to the top. The view itself was spectacular. Thousands of colorful dragonflies chased the winds. The expansion of trees stretched out below us like a carpet of greens. The lakes underneath the low fog in the distance reminded us how grand this mountain really was - and in comparison, how small we really are - but together so harmonious. Life is truly beautiful.

All by myself

I went out to a bar last night to distract myself. It doesn't matter what I was trying to distract myself from, just that I really needed a distraction. An old friend was meeting me there. I arrived a few minutes before him and was feeling pretty good about myself - I looked good in my red tank top and felt confident as I entered the crowd. There were two large tents set up outside for some live bands and the weather was perfect. Derek arrived and we ordered drinks and chatted. Mostly he talked and I listened. No correction, mostly he talked and I tried to listen. My mind kept going to what I was trying to distract myself from.

So after we got caught up, we ordered new drinks and took them outside to hear the bands. Instead I found myself watching the people within the crowd. A few people I knew stopped by to say hello and then some I didn't know stopped and talked with Derek as he stepped back to have a smoke. I sat down and found myself watching the people again. One of the singers on stage was in her moment. Her rhythm and step, moving to the music, she was in her prime. I looked at the guitarist and I could see in his face how the music flowed through him. One lady not far from me decided to take the dance floor and pulled her friend out with her. You can tell she was confident and her friend was hesitant. I thought how when I'm in my prime I could be that person that goes out to the dance floor first, but not this night, this night I was a watcher. I looked around the rest of the crowd. Groups were laughing and drinking, all having a good time. I wondered what demons haunted them when they were not out drowning their thoughts. What problems did they have back at home? I noticed several people checking their cell phones and some were busy texting. What distracted them? I then noticed an older man watching me and I wondered what he thought of me. Did he know how lost and alone I felt? In a crowd that large, drink in hand, and even then I couldn't pretend or distract myself from what I really wanted. Derek asked if I wanted another drink and I declined. I realized I didn't want to be there. It didn't matter that I was there with a good friend and there was music, laughter, drinks and beautiful weather... I just wanted to go home. I was in a large crowd but I was there all by myself.

Today I dragged my 13 year old out for walk down by the river. I listened to her tell me the same stories she has told me before about friends and camp and school. I tried to keep the focus and encourage her to enjoy the walk since she would have rather been at home on the computer. When it started to rain, I tried to get her to enjoy the feel of the rain on her skin. I stopped and stretched out my arms and looked to the sky. I felt the tiny splashes of rain as they bounced off my skin and ran down my arms and face. I tried to find my center. It was a good day, I wasn't so distracted.

I know I need to find balance. I know I need to let the distractions go. I know I need to prioritize but not beat myself up. I know I am busy and have lots of responsibilities. I know I also waste a lot of time. Mostly I know I am good person, inside out, and a good friend to those I care about. I know in the end things will work out.

All by myself, but I am not alone, not really.

Meet Michael and Melissa

So I did spend last write-night creating two of my characters. Michael and Melissa are 21 year old twins (only children) born in a New York to a well to do parents. Father is Jewish and a lawyer and mother is a Christian born in Maine (parents from Canada). She is a Nurse practitioner. Both parents worked a lot and the kids were mostly raised by a nurse maid and other household help. They still live in their parents house. Raised in New York city, but moved to Maine (mother's home state) to get away from the city when the kids were in High school. Money was never an issue but they were given very little parental guidance. Michael was kicked out of Princeton for drug use. They refused him his trust fund and in part to earn back his parent's trust he started taking classes at Maine State College of Science (MSCS). Melissa studied abroad right of high school and returned to the states a year ago (right about the time Michael was kicked out Princeton – and she too not wanting to work and no clue what she wants to do with her life decided to take a few classes at MSCS where she met Keith, thus Collins, etc. She at times can be snobbish like she's better than the rest of the group (making allowances for only Keith) but because she can't lure him away from Collins, she puts up with the rest.

I gave them a little bit of background and personification - Melissa is materialistic and Michael is a bit reckless. They are not the main characters but now I know more how they will interact with the main characters. I may decide to change details about them as I go along - any of them really, but I need these starting points for my secondary characters.

I plan to work on the rest of the secondary characters tomorrow at write-night. With the great weather and so much going on I've been rather distracted from writing. Not making excuses, it's just the way it is and family first :)

Character Profiling

During write-night I came to a realization that I can not just create/enhance the characters as I go along. This is frustrating for me because despite the many books on writing that stresses the importance of character profiling - I always thought the story itself would lead the way and create the characters.

For clarification I am not referring to "Reality Fades" - in that story I have the characters down because I have been creating them since I was a child. So no, I haven't "stuck to one story" either like I said I would - maybe a little A.D.D. but anyway, I'm referring to "Future End" (temp title of a sci-fi). The first scene is interesting enough with just two characters, but the second scene jumps to a group of seven who are all big players in the story -and from there I am stuck.

I have an outline for the story so I know where it is going but I can't seem to get past that first chapter. I have a page with their names and connections but after that I don't really know them. This I realize is why I cannot complete the scene. More so, they are all using the same "voice" so now I know, I really know before I go further with this particular story, I need to create the stories of my characters.

This I will do by not jumping straight to the scene of where they have gathered. Instead I will pull them in a few at the time on the way to the gathering. This way I am only throwing out a couple new names at a time. But first I will do what I have been putting off - character profiling.

Feeling up my characters...

Emotional roller coasters and spinning out of control... well not healthy and not fun to deal with. Don't get me wrong, we are entitled to our emotions and as a-close-to-approaching-middle-age woman... I am probably experiencing my share of emotions with a splatter of midlife crisis. Now none of this is good for my family and horrible for my personal life, but for my characters... well, that's another story -correction, that's my stories.

I have dealt with more in this past month than I have dealt with in the last couple years. I think some of it was build-up stuff, like the fact that my oldest daughter is pregnant and I'm going to be a grandmother - a word I haven't been able to spit out until now, but a lot of it was stuff I brought on, decisions I've made, and the consequences of those decisions.

All resulting in very strong feelings - I felt guilty (with my family), I felt lost (in my relationships), I felt desperate (with my job), I felt sad and confused (lost of a good friend), I felt betrayed by my higher powers, angry with my past, scared of the future - and so much pressure in so many directions, I almost broke.

Somehow I didn't. I look to my children for strength, for even if I have nothing else I have three beautiful daughters that are the center of my universe. I need to be here for them - but what to do with all these feelings? Well I will sit with myself and deal with them - and I will feel them. I will own them. I will not let them own me or slow me down. Then I will give them to my characters.

I wish I could say I wrote more tonight -being write-night and all but mostly I thought. Mentally I enhanced a few characters. I know my main character is desperate and spinning out of control... I gave her some more depth, humanity, some of my feelings. I often like to think out a scene before writing it down; really get into my character's mind and "feel" the experience. Actually - I think I will go write some more now.

Here's to not giving up and moving forward in life.

Cheers

Getting my ducks in a Row

Had a good write-night Monday. I spent the time working on an old story - the one that goes way back to childhood and dreams. My dilemma with it is that I have so many different beginnings, that I'm at a lost with which one to use. I'm told just pick one, forge forward, worry about order in the end and that is the decision I need to make - which one to pick?

The story takes place over a number of years. The main character's childhood is very relevant, so one angle would be to start with that and then do "five years later" or whatever. But the story isn't a children's story, so then I want to start in the middle of an exciting scene in the present and use flashbacks to explain the past. Of course the use of flashbacks is tricky at best and we're cautioned away from them.

I realize that I jump around on which stories/scripts I spend time with and I am doing it yet again. It is part of my short attention span I suppose. At work I often do a few different tasks simultaneously. I can be doing data/chart entry and in between each run a different original through the copier, take a call, place them on hold for another call... etc, etc, and I like that. It breaks up the day, keeps it interesting, and I get more done. In a busy office I guess multitasking makes sense -but for my stories, it's time for... do I dare say it? ... commitment?

Like life, I guess eventually one has to choose a course, get their ducks in a row and move forward. I don't think I could just work on "one" story but I also have this blog and can dabble in other writing like an essay or poem. It can be like reading, I always have a story going, but sometimes I pick up a magazine instead.

So then the decision becomes which story? Reality Fades is the above mentioned one. In some ways I've avoided it because I believe it will be the hardest to write -it has become personal and the story line is difficult. But I know the characters very well and I know the story including the end - just need to figure out how to tell it.

Then I have a script idea which seems like it should be easy to write. Not that long ago I made a list of pros and cons of each story/script then before I had a chance to review it a lot happened and all my stories were all neglected. Time to pull it out and make a grown-up decision...

Not so happy mother's day and lost friends

Revised Mother's Day - May 09, 2010

I told a friend that when I write online I only write positive things - nothing that would indicate I was feeling down or weak. What I've come to realize is that sometimes (not often)when I think I am being optimistic (like in the last post I deleted), really I'm being vindictive - and I don't want to be like that. So today I am hurting and today I am writing from within.

I lost a good friend yesterday morning. I've known her since grade school and grew up nearby and went to school with her, worked with her, partied with her, she was at my kids birthday parties, etc. We were close until our kids got older and like a lot of friendships, we stopped keeping in close touch. But when I ran into Jane it was like nothing had changed and we could quickly get caught up and laugh and she was the same person. But I haven't seen her since my mom's funeral last year and now I'll never get to see her again.

The hardest, saddest part is that she lost her life needlessly - she was shot and killed by her husband yesterday at 3:30 in the morning. I've know Brian since I was a teenager. I didn't trust him and thought Jane deserved better, but I never in a million years thought this was going to happen.

They have two boys together, and the oldest one was home at the time of the shooting - barely 17. His younger brother who is 15 was at a friend's house. To them mother's day will not be celebrating their mom, but mourning. Forever this holiday will remind them of a tragedy that took away their parents.

I struggled to wake up from bad dreams last night. I don't recall the last time I had a dream that scared me but in it over and over again I struggled to move to get up and I couldn't and something was wrapping itself around me, slowing suffocating me. I woke up crying. My girls asleep and by myself I signed onto MSN hoping a friend - a friendship I may have completely destroyed two days ago- would be on just to feel not so alone for a moment. He was on - I'm sure he wasn't there to talk to me but rather because "his computer automatically logs him in" but for a second I didn't feel alone - and he wished me better dreams and a happy mother's day. So with the lights on I went back to sleep.

This morning wasn't much better. It hurts so much to think that eventually despite all the damage I've recently caused - resulting in having to find a new job and losing any chance of a real friendship with the above mentioned guy - my life will eventually get normal again. But for those two boys, it will never, ever be the same and for that I am so sad and so hurt.

I am so tired, so drained and I just want to numb myself and not feel this pain anymore. But I'm holding out and feeling it because another good friend Lisa, told me the other day not to deny the hurt and pain because without it I could never truly close the doors that need to be closed in order to open new ones.

This year had started out pretty good but just this last month - I don't remember the last time I felt this much hurt - so much happening at once. I keep asking God for strength to help me sort these feelings. How do I accept when bad things happen? How do I fix mistakes I've made? Or do I just let it all go and run away and hope somewhere else in Neverland a new adventure will help me forget? I don't want to run - I don't want to lose anymore friendships, I don't want to take life for granted, I don't want to get out of bed.

I'm so sorry Mom that I wasn't there for you more in the end. I'm sorry Travis and Tyson - that you won't ever have your mom back again. I'm sorry Jane that our friendship strayed and I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry daughters that today I probably won't mentally be here. I'm sorry Nick that despite all you are going through I was selfish and put me before our friendship. I'm sorry Lisa that I can't be that strong and close doors I don't want to close. I'm sorry to myself -I'm not as strong as I want to be - I'm not perfect.

I'm not giving up either. I'm just sharing what I'm feeling. Life is tough but I will be tougher. But today I am down, today I am weak.

Tennis Anyone?

I have started playing Tennis. With all this nice weather I had to put away the Wii and get some real movement! It's been fun and exciting and frustrating all at once. I've always wanted to play. Years ago I bought some cheap rackets at a yard sale, but year after year they sat in the basement while I did other things. So finally I met someone who really likes to play which got me excited. My old yard sale rackets were warped and weak, so I've tossed them and bought new rackets.

First time out on courts in literally years and no real game experience to speak of, but I was out there in my new Adidas tennis outfit and I had fun. I chased the balls more than I hit them, but it was happening. I was being physically active and I had a target and goals and I was working on them.

Been just a few more sessions but I feel some improvement. I've heard some good pointers and the determination is there. I am learning it more and more and I know what I'm doing wrong and challenging myself to make every shot a focused and intended connection.

Now it's write night and before starting this blog, I decided to apply some tennis to my writing. Truth is I've been tripping up over all my writing projects. I pull one out, find problems, and put it away and take something else out. I've lost focus. The balls are there and being served and I'm missing my shots.

So I made a list of the top six writing projects I have going on. Then under each story I wrote "pros", "cons", "problems" and "possible solutions" and then I filled each in. I didn't start with the first one, and worked my way down. I skipped around answering to the ones that were easiest. It's like getting the soft balls bounced my way - I can hit them.

Looking at my list, I feel I know where my strengths and weaknesses lie with each story. I have isolated the problems and solutions. Like with tennis, I know what I'm doing wrong and can challenge myself to make every shot a focused and intended connection. Once again, the court is lit and I'm out there with my netbook, stories, and ideas, and I'm ready to play... even the fast hard balls!

Now I just need to work on my back-hand.

Tennis anyone?

Does it Matter?

Does it Matter that I write?
Words unwritten -voice without flight
Ink on paper fades through time
the mind still wanders, doodles the rhyme...

Such as it is, it continues to pass
If the words are written -will they then last?
And so I ponder late at night
Pen to paper, til' I turn out the lights

Birthdays, Resolutions & Neverland

My inner child is Peter Pan. I never wanted to grow up - never wanted to turn 18, never wanted to turn 21 and this birthday (30-something) is no exception. I don't think it's the responsibilities, at least not entirely, it's just that I want to play. When my first daughter was born I spent a lot of time on the floor playing. By the time my third daughter was born, my life was spinning out of control and survival instincts took over. It was all work and protecting the children. Escaping a nightmare and struggling to move forward alone with them. For the longest time after it was just work, making ends meet,carving out family time, dealing with single-parenting. But then as I found my footing, we began to play again, live, laugh, love and enjoy each other. As the girls get older I have more freedom and yet more responsibilities. I still play, I just need to schedule time and sometimes have the money available.

So today I celebrate my birth. Both of my parents deceased, mixed feelings about my own upbringing, concerns about the future -both immediate and distant. Why can't life be so simple as Neverland?

During birthdays I always reflect on New Year's resolutions. A quarter of the year gone by, so how am I doing? Not bad at all. On parenting and professional, I am meeting those goals and on personal (try 12 new things) well I've tried a couple new things so far but it's a good reminder that I actually have a fun goal this year. I did not make any hard specific goals like "join a gym" but instead "try 12 new things" and guess what, if I join a gym, that will be a "new thing"!

And of course I had a writing goal which includes this blog, write-night and writing. I could be doing better and spending more time with writing but I am ok with where I am at. I can accept that when life is turbulent and there is stress that I will not be able to focus and write. So I am ok with working on other life areas along the way, knowing that by doing so I am bringing comfort to my world and creating ideal writing opportunities.

This is life. I move forward and embrace new opportunities. I do my best to be a good person and care for those I love. I am a great friend and a hard worker. I am more open, more spiritual, and more hopeful than I have ever been. I am also very thankful for what I do have.

There is always time to play - and though we get older, we don't have to let go of our inner child. As writers we can create our own pretend worlds and stories. We can have all the adventures we want - and hopefully a lot of them will be real life adventures from which we can create even more fantastic stories!

Mixed Messages

I am drowning in a sea of mixed messages, some come from within me and some from others. I want to trust my gut and I want to trust my head - and they don't agree. I don't trust my heart because my heart is my inner child. In Freud's psyche analysis, I guess my heart would compare to my Id, my head(mind) my Ego and my gut my Superego. "Follow your gut instinct" is what we are often told. Yet it's in my gut that I feel this ball of ... something. I think it comes down from the heart. And though in my mind I am logical and practical, it doesn't diminish what the heart and gut feels. I need to train my mind - make it stronger. Be able to stand for what I know, and go forth in the light of that confidence.

My character from the story I started as a child, mixed up her dream world with her waking world. She never knew what was real. She never knew who to trust and what brought her the most comfort, also brought her the most pain. She went along in life and struggled through her school years, her greatest nemesis was reality. Or so she thought.

I recently had a dream where I was walking somewhere but I wasn't sure where. I just knew if I kept walking I would eventually get there.

Inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth. Gorgeous weather, need to rake up the old leaves and clear the yard for this season - let go of the autumn gloom and winter darkness, and enjoy the New. What things may come need space to be nurtured.

The warmth of the sun promises comfort for the days. And when the day ends, we can trust the night as we dance under the pale moonlight.

Escape to dreams

I learned early in life how to escape from stress, hurt, anger... the world. It was a simple yet effective coping mechanism called sleep. It amazed me that no matter how upset I was falling asleep, I always woke up feeling good again. All the tears had dried, any misgivings I had of my sister, forgiven, and any turbulence I felt from my parents fighting, relieved. Not only did it release the upsets, I also discovered my own world in which I could play freely and have amazing, albeit weird, adventures. Dreams didn't make sense, but neither did the waking world and at least in my dreams I felt content.

I began to build stories in my dreams. It got to the point where I went to bed early just so I could think out the stories I had started the night before and tried to finish them. As childhood gave away to adolescence, I let go of creating the stories in dreams to put them on paper. I used the whirlwind of emotions to paint dark poetry and the story of my childhood dreams. When life took an unexpected turn and I found myself pregnant at 16, I retreated once again to my make-believe world whenever possible. Perhaps the most stressful time in my entire life thus far and I needed that escape in ways I could never fully explain. I even read about lucid dreaming and learned to control my dreams. It was amazing to realize I was in a dream and then jump off a mountain to soar across the sky.

Fast forward to the present. I have accomplished much through the years - pulled myself out of a broken family and raised three daughters on my own, have a successful job, my own home and I'm in good health and great spirits. I no longer live to dream, but dream to live. I want to experience and touch and feel and learn as much as I can. And I want to take the passion for stories out of my head and put them on paper.

Yet, often when I try to take my stories out of my head and out of my dreams and put them on paper, I find I freeze up. I can't give them the proper words or sequence. I can lie down with it and play it out as I drift off to sleep, but on paper I often get blocked. It has been said that God is so awesome that humankind could not possibly fathom his very voice, hence we are unable to hear him. Are those stories deepest within me meant to stay buried for I fear the world could not understand them? Perhaps my childhood tendencies to entertain myself has outgrown it's boundaries. Perhaps now is a good time to find a new muse.

"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

~Edgar Allan Poe

Index Cards and breaking it down

I had a good time at Write-Night last night. It started with digging up an old script idea and doing a half-ass outline, but then I used index cards! There is a book called Script in 21 Days (or something like that) and one of the exercises had you use 9 index cards and gave you very specific instructions. So card one was the opening image/scene, card 2 was page 3 and by then you have your basic story question - who wants what? Card 3was by page 10 define the basic premise of the story. Card 4 puts you on page 30 and card 5 page 45 (character growth) and so on. By doing this exercise my half ass outline had developed into something more plausible and actually something I could work with! It helps that I have a great write-night partner.

Now if only I could use index cards to break down everything else in my life. Card 1 - where am I now - card 2 where do I want to be... ok, maybe life isn't that simple. Besides I spent a lot of time thinking last night (after write-night -and this morning) about what I want, really want, and I already know the answers. I think some of it is just basic, what we all want out of life, to be happy and content. I find happiness with my family and with my hobbies. I lack contentness because there is still that missing piece. I have put a lot out to faith lately and I keep talking about trusting faith and I walk the roads that lead around and around.

I want them to lead to something more but all I can do, all I can ever do, is be me. I am fortunate to have my family, friends, health, and so much more. I am mostly optimistic and I have a good heart, good intentions, and would love to one day share my journey with someone special. Until then I can at least use the index cards to plan out my make-believe stories. Real life in some ways take more effort and in some ways take less - and that's just the way it is.

To the Future!

I had a great write night this past Monday. I picked up an old story that I had "tripped up" on and worked on that. I worked on it a little on Sunday also and then again tonight. Progress is slow but I'm moving forward. It takes place in the future and that has been the barrier. I like the idea for the story and I like the main character concept - but I would start and then think, oh wait, they wouldn't be doing that in a 100 years... and then spend a lot of time pondering, researching, futurizing, and lots of other things that didn't involve writing. So now I have a mind set that I will not worry about "futurizing" at all, I will just pound out the basic story idea. No editing either. I have like over five copies of this story started with the highlights and cross outs, and changes indexed on the right. I really didn't know which was the one was the most current. So I just took one and wrote.

This is the having faith part. So I had to deal with rejection - not my lost. It was a great story and I have lots to offer so one little rejection isn't going to trip me up. In the end I know I am worth the time and effort. And I look forward to the happily ever after.

Rejection

The January issue of Writer's Digest had a short story prompt along the lines of "A magician's trick at a child's birthday party goes horribly awry as parents look on" for their Your Story contest I've mentioned before. I didn't win. I realize there was like 600 entries but still, I thought my story was pretty good. They say you have to have tough skin to be a writer and rejection is expected. So I should of just rolled up my sleeves and kept writing but instead I did sulk a little.

This was only a small contest with a story that meant nothing to me. How about if I was to send in one of my big stories that I've worked on for years and the characters are so real to me? Well, I guess I have to remind myself of the reasons I write. I write because I love creating, I write because I have these stories in my head, I write because I like to escape within my stories, I write for fun. I think I am ready to write again. :)

I did get in some more of my sitcom at last Monday's write night and I'm not sure what I will work on tomorrow but today is a good day to write and so I shall. But before I do, here is my short story entry from that contest:

Abracadabra!

“I can't believe we're doing a magic show,” Randy scoffed as he got out of the van.

“We need quick cash and we know magic tricks,” Cindy smirked.

“Cash? We have almost a million dollars waiting for us, all we have to do is get that damn diamond amulet to Mr.Biggie in Nevada. Why don't we just knock off a liquor store and go already?”

“Don't you think we have enough heat on us already? Look, this was luck, the guy needs a magician and we happen to be there.” Cindy said while fixing Randy's bow tie. “Put on your white gloves and help me with the case.”

Randy could see little heads bobbing up and down on the other side of the fence as party music mixed with little squeaky voices filled the air. His skin itched. He knew they needed the gas money.

“Hello? This is almost as heavy as that body which I had to take care of by myself. Give me a hand.”

“Shh... don't say that.” Randy glanced around. “We can't take any chances. Besides the old man wasn't supposed to be home. And I stayed behind to clean up, buying us more time. Amulet is safe right?”

“Of course,” she confirmed while adjusting her wig. “That old man was creepy. He kept muttering something even as the blood spurted out of his mouth.”

Randy righted the case on its wheels while recalling that final moment before the tire iron smashed against the old man's skull. “He was saying that karma would be his revenge...” Randy drifted. “Whatever. Let's get this over with.”

“Show time,” Cindy shrugged.

As soon as the parents showed them the stage, the children started to gather around. “Hey, hey you, can you cut my sister in half?”

“Children, have a seat and I will tell you a story as my lovely assistant sets up the disappearing cabinet! I am Fabian The Fabulous!” he announced while enticing the children with a few hand tricks. The children laughed as a torn dollar bill was found in one child's shoe. He mesmerized them with endless colored scarves and juggling balls. He used a deck of cards to tell a story of a lonely queen who lost her king and the journey she went on to find him. When the story ended he threw the cards in the air and they appeared to burst into flames, yet the birthday girl found both the queen and king in a randomly selected birthday card. The parents clapped; the children laughed.

Fabian looked out amongst the children. It was an old routine but he felt nervous.

“Hey we want to see the disappearing trick,” a child dared.

Randy was about to respond when a familiar old man in the crowd smiled at him -blood trickled in the corner of the mouth. Randy blinked and then the old man was gone. Randy froze.

By now a few of the kids were chanting, “disappearing trick!”

“What the hell was that?” Cindy asked under her breath as she walked toward the cabinet.

Randy didn't look at her. “Never mind. Let's finish and get out of here.”

Cindy turned back to the crowd. “Fabian the Fabulous will now do his disappearing trick! Do you guys think he can make me disappear into thin air?”

“No way!” The children challenged.

Fabian turned the cabinet around demonstrating the back was solid. Once Cindy was inside he used his wand and recited magical words. He opened the door to reveal nothing inside. Everyone clapped.

This relaxed him and he went on to do a couple silly goofs like opening the door to a rabbit and then some doves. The audience seemed to love it -almost done, he thought.

“Now I must bring back my lovely assistant. Can you help me with the magic words? They are very simple - abracadabra.” He waved his wand and the children yelled out “abracadabra!”

Proudly he stepped back to open the cabinet and waited for the applause. Instead gasps were heard as an old man fell out in a mangled bloody pile. Randy rubbed his eyes. Women and children were screaming. Cindy was missing. In her place was the old man with blood stain lips looking up at him with empty eyes.

Looking within myself & having faith

At the last write-night I watched chapter 2 of Syd Field's workshop but have yet to complete the assignments. I did polish up my resume and sent it out and got an interview which I am so excited about! It's not until March 8th which gives me time to prepare and learn about the college. I've been at my current job for over 14 years so this is huge but I do think I need a change. A change will lead to renewed energy and for many reasons it feels like the right time.

I am doing pretty good about working out and even got around to playing with my Wii Fit again. It feels like a lot of things are starting to fall into place and even though there are plenty of things in my life causing stress, I feel optimistic.

So for writing, aside from my resume, I didn't really meet any goals this week. It doesn't make sense when it's what I want to do most in life. The whole the thing about writing is what makes a writer - so true. So what is with the self-sabotage? I blame the lack of time, the frustrations of work and family... I blame myself. I know if I just do it, it will happen. It's not like I don't self-indulge with my time either.

Often when I'm called on something I go blank. Don't ask me who sings this or what the name of that person was - if put on the spot, I go blank. Sometimes it feels like that with writing. A personal demon I have to conquer and really how do you conquer demons without faith? So I call out to the universe and I am going to let go some and do my best to have some faith.

Time to look within myself and trust outside myself. Time to believe, really believe.

On writing...and flirting with the Wii

Back to working on my sitcom! During write-night I watched chapter 1 of Syd Field's Screenwriters Workshop on DVD. Then yesterday I spent a couple hours completing the exercise which was basically to write up a four page treatment but with very specific subheadings which helped to break it down. His DVD is focused on a script though and not television but the same principles in regards to beginning, middle, end and plot points. It actually only took me two pages, fair since it is a half hour sitcom. It's also a sloppy copy -which he said be willing to write a horrible treatment and not show anyone - and it is horrible! Although I would say that it helped me to analyze the sitcom and see a few most-needed changes.

I do think it will be episode one I will submit by May to the Writer's Digest competition, so will use this DVD to help with that. I will continue to write episode 2 & 3, which 2 is started and I know the events for it, just have to finish.

Today I head to the library shortly with Tia and her friend. While they look for the next vampire series (since they are caught up on twilight) I will work out some thoughts on another script I have -family/romantic comedy. Or maybe I will just try to get more of episode 2 in - decisions, decisions.

Oh on the toning, not bad at all. Been doing crunches and hand weights and every now and then I look at the Wii and think of the Wii fitness which has been neglected for almost a year now. It looks back and me and I swear it winks! I brush my foot over the fitness board and think how I can totally skip the part where it shows me my Wii fit age and go right for the steps or skiing. It does feel good when my little avatar jumps up and spins around all excited with my score. And it would justify the chunk of change I handed over to purchase it! :)

writing, submitting, and toning!

One of my specific new year's resolutions is to actually submit stuff I write -something I really haven't ever done (minus a poem when I was a young teen). Well on Feb 10th - the deadline - I did submit my short story prompt for Writer's Digest Your Story contest! I am very excited about this. I almost missed the deadline because though I knew it was the 10th, someone had mentioned the 10th was Friday and I was thinking I still had a couple days. Luckily it clicked last night (at 9:00 pm) and with the help of my writing partner, I did my final edits and submitted and he did as well - think mine was entered at 10:00 & his at 11:00 and I was so stoked :)

On write night I didn't get much writing in but I did start my one page synopsis for my sitcom that I plan on entering into a contest or two as well. Most of the time during night write was spent flipping through books finding info on formulating a good synopsis.

I would say despite a lot of stress this past week and so much going on in my personal life, that I had a good week in terms of writing - albeit the same story I talked about last week and perhaps something someone else could have done in just a night or two and moved on, but I am very satisfied. Even as the story was pasted on the entry form I found myself making changes and I can accept that every time I look at something I write, I will be apt to make changes. Just can't let that slow me down.

Aside from writing and dealing with a lot in my personal life, I would like to step it up a notch in physical activities. I am linking this to writing in that I believe it will energize me and increase those feel-good endorphins and bring out more creativity. And I can use some good toning :)

Abracadabra!

"poof" and another week has gone by!

During write night on Monday we decided we would challenge ourselves with the Writer's Digest monthly prompt. This month's was "Parents look on in horror as a magician's trick goes horribly awry during a child's birthday party." So I took the challenge, any story based on that prompt, 750 words or less. By the time write night was done we both had our first draft completed - and we were both way over word count. I believe I was just over 1,000. I had some time this evening though to work on it, and now at 740 words! Still needs a little polishing but it will be ready to submit by the February 10th deadline.

Nick mentioned that we don't actually have to submit them, just keep it a personal challenge, but I love the idea of sending it in. I think this is because it will really be the first time I've ever submitted anything (besides some poem so long ago). I mean it's just a silly little contest but I feel a sense of accomplishment, like for the first time I am following through. If I can do this with a story idea that I have no interest in, then I can do this for the many stories in my head that I love. They are of course a lot longer and more involved but I will get there. I think one of my biggest hang-ups is that I try to perfect the story as I go instead of just writing it. Nick does a great job at that, keep it going, fix it after. I'm getting there :)

Maybe after I get it polished I will go ahead and post it here.

Abracadabra! and this week's blog is posted!

snooze button

So I'm late again - story of my life (or at least my daughters' but that's another story... moving on)

Really I was super busy this past weekend mostly being distracted but all good distractions. Then I would check email and outlook reminder would pop up "Blog" and I would hit the snooze button. Ah... just like sleeping in, except by days instead of minutes.

The important part though is not the blog, it's the actual writing. In that regard, I did write for a couple hours late sunday morning and I made it to write night on Monday.

Am I happy with the amount I wrote this week? Nope. I really wish I could spend all my spare time writing, perhaps get some of this stuff out of my head. I just really have so much to do on a daily basis and it's a lot of typical stuff, you know, life, family, work, bills, life ... but it's all complicated.

Even the things I want to be simple I manage to complicate. Maybe on some deep level it's what I do, what I desire, a way to grasp control and conform it just so once it's conformed I can get bored and move on. Or maybe I'm still just trying to grasp what's missing. Or maybe life is just complicated.

If I could only hit the snooze button on life and get caught up in the real world so I can spend more time playing in my stories. Then I would get in more writing. Then it wouldn't matter if I was late, because then time would have no meaning.

Another week

Another week and some but not enough progression. I could go on and tell all the reasons I used for not writing as much as I should have, but the end result is that I didn't. I certainly don't lack the desire or stories, really I think I lack the inner contentness. My mind is always spinning in so many different directions but it's not just distractions as I previously thought for there will always be distractions - I am not content.

It could likely be said a lot of writers have been discontent or even use those times to encapsulate the very basis of their stories. Yet how do they pull that from their head and put it down on paper? I feel like I'm reaching but everything is out of reach. I don't stop reaching, believing or dreaming, but how long will that go on before I can really feel what I want... Find the contentness that I really desire.

How is that poem ends... In the end there's nothing, and so reality fades.

But I will not end this blog on that note. There is fresh snow outside and like all things nature I am drawn to it. Even just to take the shovel and clear the driveway will give me the fresh air I need to clear my mind. I may complain about the winter from time to time, but I would miss the snow. There is an element of newness to it as it covers up everything dirty and I feel comforted by it like an old blanket fresh from the dryer. The crisp air dances with me and I let go of all the negative energy, and as the snowflakes touch my nose I am taken back to childhood days when everything was magical.

I just want everything to be magical again.

So on that note, I will go shovel and clear my mind and then get in some writing.

Reality Fades

I didn't manage to post exactly a week later but here is my update.

I did go to Write Night last Monday and will be there again tonight. I can not give a word-count on the actual writing as... well lets just say I missed that train too. But I did get my folders and different stories sorted and organized.

The reality is of course, that I have to make time and then not got distracted. And I am very easily distracted. I like to play and experience and feel and yeah, if I can just translate everything into words, then I would be golden.

I will get there. This is definitely my year. The characters in my head are screaming to come out and be heard. I will give them their voices and let them tell their own stories. Reality Fades is the name of my favorite story I started oh so many years ago. I love the characters. It is not first on my list to complete because it is a complicated story that has to be told perfectly and I can't seem to release it, not yet.

Tonight I will write up more on the second episode of my sitcom which I plan to enter into a contest in May. Right now the reality is the clock I keep looking at reminding me I need to get to the office. But tonight... reality fades

Happy New Years! ~ Cheers to 2010!

So I dreamt that I left work to take a train. I wasn't sure where that train was going; 'up north' sounds about right. (Perhaps for a writer's retreat in a remote cabin?) I hurried to the station and through the station and down to the tracks, determined to catch it as the doors were closing. I didn't. I didn't feel determined enough so I missed the train. I went back to work.

This is the first day of a new decade and I feel extremely positive about it, so it's a bit disheartening to start with a dream that shows I lack determination... perhaps confidence? It was though, just a dream, and dreams can be used to set focus, to prepare and move forward.

There was a time when I could have lucid dreams. In them I would become aware I was dreaming and take control of the dream. This was not a lucid dream. But nonetheless, I will take what my inner self is telling me and use it to set the focus.

I have written my resolutions. The one connected to this blog is of course to write! I did take a little hiatus from my new writing regime as we got closer to the holidays but here starts 2010! I look forward to Write Night which is Monday night with a good friend. I have a sitcom in the works which I will enter into a contest or two this year, and I also hope to pen up a new short story and put some hours into one of my other in-the-works novels.

So now to put some pressure on myself. I will post my progress on this blog at least once a week. I have no idea if I will end up rambling about everything else or just stick to 'where I am with my writing goals' but at least once a week I will post something. Now I go to open outlook and put this on my calendar. Yes I'm determined but I am still a busy woman!

Cheers to 2010 ~ it's going to be a great year!