Not so happy mother's day and lost friends

Revised Mother's Day - May 09, 2010

I told a friend that when I write online I only write positive things - nothing that would indicate I was feeling down or weak. What I've come to realize is that sometimes (not often)when I think I am being optimistic (like in the last post I deleted), really I'm being vindictive - and I don't want to be like that. So today I am hurting and today I am writing from within.

I lost a good friend yesterday morning. I've known her since grade school and grew up nearby and went to school with her, worked with her, partied with her, she was at my kids birthday parties, etc. We were close until our kids got older and like a lot of friendships, we stopped keeping in close touch. But when I ran into Jane it was like nothing had changed and we could quickly get caught up and laugh and she was the same person. But I haven't seen her since my mom's funeral last year and now I'll never get to see her again.

The hardest, saddest part is that she lost her life needlessly - she was shot and killed by her husband yesterday at 3:30 in the morning. I've know Brian since I was a teenager. I didn't trust him and thought Jane deserved better, but I never in a million years thought this was going to happen.

They have two boys together, and the oldest one was home at the time of the shooting - barely 17. His younger brother who is 15 was at a friend's house. To them mother's day will not be celebrating their mom, but mourning. Forever this holiday will remind them of a tragedy that took away their parents.

I struggled to wake up from bad dreams last night. I don't recall the last time I had a dream that scared me but in it over and over again I struggled to move to get up and I couldn't and something was wrapping itself around me, slowing suffocating me. I woke up crying. My girls asleep and by myself I signed onto MSN hoping a friend - a friendship I may have completely destroyed two days ago- would be on just to feel not so alone for a moment. He was on - I'm sure he wasn't there to talk to me but rather because "his computer automatically logs him in" but for a second I didn't feel alone - and he wished me better dreams and a happy mother's day. So with the lights on I went back to sleep.

This morning wasn't much better. It hurts so much to think that eventually despite all the damage I've recently caused - resulting in having to find a new job and losing any chance of a real friendship with the above mentioned guy - my life will eventually get normal again. But for those two boys, it will never, ever be the same and for that I am so sad and so hurt.

I am so tired, so drained and I just want to numb myself and not feel this pain anymore. But I'm holding out and feeling it because another good friend Lisa, told me the other day not to deny the hurt and pain because without it I could never truly close the doors that need to be closed in order to open new ones.

This year had started out pretty good but just this last month - I don't remember the last time I felt this much hurt - so much happening at once. I keep asking God for strength to help me sort these feelings. How do I accept when bad things happen? How do I fix mistakes I've made? Or do I just let it all go and run away and hope somewhere else in Neverland a new adventure will help me forget? I don't want to run - I don't want to lose anymore friendships, I don't want to take life for granted, I don't want to get out of bed.

I'm so sorry Mom that I wasn't there for you more in the end. I'm sorry Travis and Tyson - that you won't ever have your mom back again. I'm sorry Jane that our friendship strayed and I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry daughters that today I probably won't mentally be here. I'm sorry Nick that despite all you are going through I was selfish and put me before our friendship. I'm sorry Lisa that I can't be that strong and close doors I don't want to close. I'm sorry to myself -I'm not as strong as I want to be - I'm not perfect.

I'm not giving up either. I'm just sharing what I'm feeling. Life is tough but I will be tougher. But today I am down, today I am weak.