Feeling up my characters...

Emotional roller coasters and spinning out of control... well not healthy and not fun to deal with. Don't get me wrong, we are entitled to our emotions and as a-close-to-approaching-middle-age woman... I am probably experiencing my share of emotions with a splatter of midlife crisis. Now none of this is good for my family and horrible for my personal life, but for my characters... well, that's another story -correction, that's my stories.

I have dealt with more in this past month than I have dealt with in the last couple years. I think some of it was build-up stuff, like the fact that my oldest daughter is pregnant and I'm going to be a grandmother - a word I haven't been able to spit out until now, but a lot of it was stuff I brought on, decisions I've made, and the consequences of those decisions.

All resulting in very strong feelings - I felt guilty (with my family), I felt lost (in my relationships), I felt desperate (with my job), I felt sad and confused (lost of a good friend), I felt betrayed by my higher powers, angry with my past, scared of the future - and so much pressure in so many directions, I almost broke.

Somehow I didn't. I look to my children for strength, for even if I have nothing else I have three beautiful daughters that are the center of my universe. I need to be here for them - but what to do with all these feelings? Well I will sit with myself and deal with them - and I will feel them. I will own them. I will not let them own me or slow me down. Then I will give them to my characters.

I wish I could say I wrote more tonight -being write-night and all but mostly I thought. Mentally I enhanced a few characters. I know my main character is desperate and spinning out of control... I gave her some more depth, humanity, some of my feelings. I often like to think out a scene before writing it down; really get into my character's mind and "feel" the experience. Actually - I think I will go write some more now.

Here's to not giving up and moving forward in life.

Cheers

Getting my ducks in a Row

Had a good write-night Monday. I spent the time working on an old story - the one that goes way back to childhood and dreams. My dilemma with it is that I have so many different beginnings, that I'm at a lost with which one to use. I'm told just pick one, forge forward, worry about order in the end and that is the decision I need to make - which one to pick?

The story takes place over a number of years. The main character's childhood is very relevant, so one angle would be to start with that and then do "five years later" or whatever. But the story isn't a children's story, so then I want to start in the middle of an exciting scene in the present and use flashbacks to explain the past. Of course the use of flashbacks is tricky at best and we're cautioned away from them.

I realize that I jump around on which stories/scripts I spend time with and I am doing it yet again. It is part of my short attention span I suppose. At work I often do a few different tasks simultaneously. I can be doing data/chart entry and in between each run a different original through the copier, take a call, place them on hold for another call... etc, etc, and I like that. It breaks up the day, keeps it interesting, and I get more done. In a busy office I guess multitasking makes sense -but for my stories, it's time for... do I dare say it? ... commitment?

Like life, I guess eventually one has to choose a course, get their ducks in a row and move forward. I don't think I could just work on "one" story but I also have this blog and can dabble in other writing like an essay or poem. It can be like reading, I always have a story going, but sometimes I pick up a magazine instead.

So then the decision becomes which story? Reality Fades is the above mentioned one. In some ways I've avoided it because I believe it will be the hardest to write -it has become personal and the story line is difficult. But I know the characters very well and I know the story including the end - just need to figure out how to tell it.

Then I have a script idea which seems like it should be easy to write. Not that long ago I made a list of pros and cons of each story/script then before I had a chance to review it a lot happened and all my stories were all neglected. Time to pull it out and make a grown-up decision...

Not so happy mother's day and lost friends

Revised Mother's Day - May 09, 2010

I told a friend that when I write online I only write positive things - nothing that would indicate I was feeling down or weak. What I've come to realize is that sometimes (not often)when I think I am being optimistic (like in the last post I deleted), really I'm being vindictive - and I don't want to be like that. So today I am hurting and today I am writing from within.

I lost a good friend yesterday morning. I've known her since grade school and grew up nearby and went to school with her, worked with her, partied with her, she was at my kids birthday parties, etc. We were close until our kids got older and like a lot of friendships, we stopped keeping in close touch. But when I ran into Jane it was like nothing had changed and we could quickly get caught up and laugh and she was the same person. But I haven't seen her since my mom's funeral last year and now I'll never get to see her again.

The hardest, saddest part is that she lost her life needlessly - she was shot and killed by her husband yesterday at 3:30 in the morning. I've know Brian since I was a teenager. I didn't trust him and thought Jane deserved better, but I never in a million years thought this was going to happen.

They have two boys together, and the oldest one was home at the time of the shooting - barely 17. His younger brother who is 15 was at a friend's house. To them mother's day will not be celebrating their mom, but mourning. Forever this holiday will remind them of a tragedy that took away their parents.

I struggled to wake up from bad dreams last night. I don't recall the last time I had a dream that scared me but in it over and over again I struggled to move to get up and I couldn't and something was wrapping itself around me, slowing suffocating me. I woke up crying. My girls asleep and by myself I signed onto MSN hoping a friend - a friendship I may have completely destroyed two days ago- would be on just to feel not so alone for a moment. He was on - I'm sure he wasn't there to talk to me but rather because "his computer automatically logs him in" but for a second I didn't feel alone - and he wished me better dreams and a happy mother's day. So with the lights on I went back to sleep.

This morning wasn't much better. It hurts so much to think that eventually despite all the damage I've recently caused - resulting in having to find a new job and losing any chance of a real friendship with the above mentioned guy - my life will eventually get normal again. But for those two boys, it will never, ever be the same and for that I am so sad and so hurt.

I am so tired, so drained and I just want to numb myself and not feel this pain anymore. But I'm holding out and feeling it because another good friend Lisa, told me the other day not to deny the hurt and pain because without it I could never truly close the doors that need to be closed in order to open new ones.

This year had started out pretty good but just this last month - I don't remember the last time I felt this much hurt - so much happening at once. I keep asking God for strength to help me sort these feelings. How do I accept when bad things happen? How do I fix mistakes I've made? Or do I just let it all go and run away and hope somewhere else in Neverland a new adventure will help me forget? I don't want to run - I don't want to lose anymore friendships, I don't want to take life for granted, I don't want to get out of bed.

I'm so sorry Mom that I wasn't there for you more in the end. I'm sorry Travis and Tyson - that you won't ever have your mom back again. I'm sorry Jane that our friendship strayed and I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry daughters that today I probably won't mentally be here. I'm sorry Nick that despite all you are going through I was selfish and put me before our friendship. I'm sorry Lisa that I can't be that strong and close doors I don't want to close. I'm sorry to myself -I'm not as strong as I want to be - I'm not perfect.

I'm not giving up either. I'm just sharing what I'm feeling. Life is tough but I will be tougher. But today I am down, today I am weak.