All by myself

I went out to a bar last night to distract myself. It doesn't matter what I was trying to distract myself from, just that I really needed a distraction. An old friend was meeting me there. I arrived a few minutes before him and was feeling pretty good about myself - I looked good in my red tank top and felt confident as I entered the crowd. There were two large tents set up outside for some live bands and the weather was perfect. Derek arrived and we ordered drinks and chatted. Mostly he talked and I listened. No correction, mostly he talked and I tried to listen. My mind kept going to what I was trying to distract myself from.

So after we got caught up, we ordered new drinks and took them outside to hear the bands. Instead I found myself watching the people within the crowd. A few people I knew stopped by to say hello and then some I didn't know stopped and talked with Derek as he stepped back to have a smoke. I sat down and found myself watching the people again. One of the singers on stage was in her moment. Her rhythm and step, moving to the music, she was in her prime. I looked at the guitarist and I could see in his face how the music flowed through him. One lady not far from me decided to take the dance floor and pulled her friend out with her. You can tell she was confident and her friend was hesitant. I thought how when I'm in my prime I could be that person that goes out to the dance floor first, but not this night, this night I was a watcher. I looked around the rest of the crowd. Groups were laughing and drinking, all having a good time. I wondered what demons haunted them when they were not out drowning their thoughts. What problems did they have back at home? I noticed several people checking their cell phones and some were busy texting. What distracted them? I then noticed an older man watching me and I wondered what he thought of me. Did he know how lost and alone I felt? In a crowd that large, drink in hand, and even then I couldn't pretend or distract myself from what I really wanted. Derek asked if I wanted another drink and I declined. I realized I didn't want to be there. It didn't matter that I was there with a good friend and there was music, laughter, drinks and beautiful weather... I just wanted to go home. I was in a large crowd but I was there all by myself.

Today I dragged my 13 year old out for walk down by the river. I listened to her tell me the same stories she has told me before about friends and camp and school. I tried to keep the focus and encourage her to enjoy the walk since she would have rather been at home on the computer. When it started to rain, I tried to get her to enjoy the feel of the rain on her skin. I stopped and stretched out my arms and looked to the sky. I felt the tiny splashes of rain as they bounced off my skin and ran down my arms and face. I tried to find my center. It was a good day, I wasn't so distracted.

I know I need to find balance. I know I need to let the distractions go. I know I need to prioritize but not beat myself up. I know I am busy and have lots of responsibilities. I know I also waste a lot of time. Mostly I know I am good person, inside out, and a good friend to those I care about. I know in the end things will work out.

All by myself, but I am not alone, not really.