To the Top of the Mountain!

I love summer. I really love just being outdoors and enjoying the weather - so ok, spring and autumn are great too and with a pile of clothes I can enjoy winter as well. But right now I am enjoying summer. When I am outdoors away from the house, the office, the chores, the bills, etc, etc, I can forget about those things and truly be with myself. I can feel the air on my skin and appreciate the greatness of our vast planet and I feel energized and excited and, most importantly, I feel alive.

I went hiking the other day at Big Moose Mountain (formerly known as Big Squaw Mountain) and brought along my 13 year old daughter who does not like the concept of hiking. It was a new mountain for me and my friend minimized the hike as gradual and easy. I really got worried when early on in the hike my daughter, Tia, got dizzy and had to sit down. All of a sudden my gung-ho that I always will make it to the top started to slip past me like a rock that I kicked out underfoot and had tumbled down the cliff. I had to make it to the top but at the same time, I could never leave my child behind. My mind raced with the "what ifs". What if she couldn't finish, then I would have to come back, I would never let this hike go unfinished! What if I pushed her on and then she past out? What if - what if... my thoughts tried to keep pushing out, but I could hear a variety of birds and a cool breeze washed over me and I relaxed. It was such a beautiful day.

The group was fantastic and seemingly appreciated the reason to stop and take a break. After a few minutes and some water, Tia was ready to press on. That's my girl! It was a good hike. It was steep at times and very rocky. Leveled ground was like little god-sends as were all the little log bridges that crossed the streams. This particular trail was used at some point by fire marshalls who had erected a tower at the top to watch for forest fires.

The hike itself was to take about three to four hours. Midway up was an old cabin falling apart - where the guy who had built the bridges and some of the stairs had stayed during that time. It was full with carvings of initials and signatures of hikers past. My friend Ken who has been hiking this trail since he was a child had his mark in several places with the year noted. We all add our own names and took pictures and then pressed on.

Just as most of the group was ready for another break, we came to a look out point with a great view of Moosehead lake. A huge boulder made for a great resting point as we drank water, ate trail mix and took pictures. My body was riveting -the feeling of heat born of hard work and sweat and the slight breeze mingled and danced throughout me in enlightenment and renewed energy. Life is good. More so life is beautiful and sweet and precious and the opportunities are endless.

The top of the mountain was not in site but I knew we were going to make it. I was enjoying the climb and being immersed in nature. Everything was so beautiful and I was sharing the experience with my beautiful young daughter. It reminded me that much of life is exactly like that. I sometimes forget when I am in the hurry to to complete something, like a book I'm working on, that I should just enjoy the journey, for as long as I'm moving forward, I will reach the top.

When someone up ahead shouted they could see the tower, my first thought was already? But then that gave Tia the energy to push forward and get to the top. The view itself was spectacular. Thousands of colorful dragonflies chased the winds. The expansion of trees stretched out below us like a carpet of greens. The lakes underneath the low fog in the distance reminded us how grand this mountain really was - and in comparison, how small we really are - but together so harmonious. Life is truly beautiful.

All by myself

I went out to a bar last night to distract myself. It doesn't matter what I was trying to distract myself from, just that I really needed a distraction. An old friend was meeting me there. I arrived a few minutes before him and was feeling pretty good about myself - I looked good in my red tank top and felt confident as I entered the crowd. There were two large tents set up outside for some live bands and the weather was perfect. Derek arrived and we ordered drinks and chatted. Mostly he talked and I listened. No correction, mostly he talked and I tried to listen. My mind kept going to what I was trying to distract myself from.

So after we got caught up, we ordered new drinks and took them outside to hear the bands. Instead I found myself watching the people within the crowd. A few people I knew stopped by to say hello and then some I didn't know stopped and talked with Derek as he stepped back to have a smoke. I sat down and found myself watching the people again. One of the singers on stage was in her moment. Her rhythm and step, moving to the music, she was in her prime. I looked at the guitarist and I could see in his face how the music flowed through him. One lady not far from me decided to take the dance floor and pulled her friend out with her. You can tell she was confident and her friend was hesitant. I thought how when I'm in my prime I could be that person that goes out to the dance floor first, but not this night, this night I was a watcher. I looked around the rest of the crowd. Groups were laughing and drinking, all having a good time. I wondered what demons haunted them when they were not out drowning their thoughts. What problems did they have back at home? I noticed several people checking their cell phones and some were busy texting. What distracted them? I then noticed an older man watching me and I wondered what he thought of me. Did he know how lost and alone I felt? In a crowd that large, drink in hand, and even then I couldn't pretend or distract myself from what I really wanted. Derek asked if I wanted another drink and I declined. I realized I didn't want to be there. It didn't matter that I was there with a good friend and there was music, laughter, drinks and beautiful weather... I just wanted to go home. I was in a large crowd but I was there all by myself.

Today I dragged my 13 year old out for walk down by the river. I listened to her tell me the same stories she has told me before about friends and camp and school. I tried to keep the focus and encourage her to enjoy the walk since she would have rather been at home on the computer. When it started to rain, I tried to get her to enjoy the feel of the rain on her skin. I stopped and stretched out my arms and looked to the sky. I felt the tiny splashes of rain as they bounced off my skin and ran down my arms and face. I tried to find my center. It was a good day, I wasn't so distracted.

I know I need to find balance. I know I need to let the distractions go. I know I need to prioritize but not beat myself up. I know I am busy and have lots of responsibilities. I know I also waste a lot of time. Mostly I know I am good person, inside out, and a good friend to those I care about. I know in the end things will work out.

All by myself, but I am not alone, not really.