Enraptured by Nature

I went out to the rock quarry yesterday by myself. The walk on the trails was a welcomed escape from the clutter of my house. At the larger pond, surrounded by trees, are some cliffs inviting the foolish to jump off into the dingy water. It is there that I sat with my notebook to write down some thoughts.

The warmth of the sun was inviting and I soon shed the outer layers of my clothing and laid down to bask in its embrace. The heat pressed down against me, pinning my body to the rigid stone surface. I relaxed, gave in, let my thoughts drift as beads of sweat danced on my belly.

Then I heard the howl - I couldn't feel it yet but I knew it was approaching. Like an incoming wave at the ocean, it got louder as it built up, ready to crash down upon me. The trees swayed as it raced through them, circling the gorge, coming...

The wind screamed out as it coursed through my body; lifting its thrall to its wrath, raising goosebumps, tantalizing, violating ... I trembled.

A butterfly, pivotal plot point, and a small victory!

"Put your hands where I can see them and step away from the keyboard!" That is what I am telling myself as I'm stuck and I've just notice a lot of time going by and my thoughts are wandering and the paragraph keeps changing, but not progressing and I've been on page 40 since I opened up Final Draft this morning... Okay - there, I closed it!

Two weeks from today I started the outline for this screenplay (from the beach) and got quite a bit done. This week, still typing away, the story is almost all there but I've noticed a couple things. For one I feel my story is more than half way over but I'm only on page 40... umm.. problem. A movie is generally about a about 100 pages (figure one minute per page)and at this rate the end credits will be running where the climax is suppose to hit! Also - needs more comedy - more characterization as well. I figured if I could just get through the script, then I can back-track and fluff it up. But here I am on page 40 and I'm stuck on transitioning...

I don't like to give away my stories online, but basically guy about to lose girl, hasn't quite figured it out yet, but here should be the turning point... now he's going to try... and things should seem good for a few more pages when something unexpected and huge and disastrous should make it look like he realized too late, that it was all for nothing, really he should give up but then ... well forget then, how about now? I'm at a turning point for my protagonist. Now he realizes the error in his ways - or he thinks he does, and tries to correct what he did wrong. Through this process where he is practically faking it in desperation, he will start to really see what he's been missing. Then of course it might be too late... but that is where I need to get to.

So basically I know how the story ends, just stuck on a pivotal plot point. This is where I miss having a writing partner. I also need to work on some character profiling, to make certain I understand my characters and give them their unique voices. "Creating Unforgettable Characters" by Linda Seger has been helpful. I will finish reading this week so I can return it to its owner.

But anyway the sun is peeking out and I am going to pick up my daughter at school and may go for a walk in the woods to clear my head.

I'm quite content with the amount of writing I have accomplished during the last few weeks, not just on this script but in polishing up some other stories. I go back to work next week and I'm ready. I will go back to writing at night and on the weekends and frantically getting everything else done before and after work. On a good note, the agency I left confirmed that I should have been allowed to work the notice I gave and agreed to pay me for the entire month of September! Ahh... small victories always taste good :)

Hitting the Beach!

Last week we had a heat wave. Convenient timing with me being temporarily out of work. I decided to become a beach bum. Actually on the first Monday of my new "temporarily unemployed" status I thought I would go to the air conditioned library partly because I don't have an air conditioner but mostly to ignore all the laundry, dishes, and other daily chores that I usually squeeze in before and after working hours. These were now my work days and I knew that sipping coffee while listening to old tunes from the 80s would only lead to long stretches of dusting and washing - things I generally do in a frenzy, not at leisure. So netbook in hand, to the library I went.

The problem with the library and it's unlimited resources (and air conditioning) is that it also has internet. In front of the computer with internet meant I would quickly check my email, and then Facebook, and then other blogs, and then Facebook - well someone was talking to me- and then the writing forums, and then email again. I certainly had Final Draft opened as well as Word - hadn't quite decided what to work on - and ultimately did very little writing.

So the next day I decided to go to the beach - no internet. I had my chair, towel, camera, sunblock, lunch, frozen water, netbook and a regular notebook with pen - and in my bathing suit I went! It was actually pretty great. Even in the shade I couldn't really see the netbook well enough so I used the old pen and paper and picked one project (a script for a comedy idea I had been kicking around for over a year) and started writing the outline. I had previously given the story line some thought so I did have some mental images and I got lost in them.

There were other beach patrons, lots of kids splashing in the water, many birds, and the air was warm and sticky -but none of these things distracted me. It was like I was in my own plane of existence, surrounded in a protective circle. I remember looking up and realizing how I hadn't even noticed so many more people had arrived. I ate my lunch, thought more on my script ideas and then went for a long walk out on the trails that follow the shore.

On my return walk, I decided to go in for a swim. I thought about how I only really mastered floating on my back this year. It's funny how when it comes to trusting others I had always been able to do so "live on the edge" and reach out my hand. Yet, trusting myself... well why didn't I? This is the demon I will conquer this year in reaching my goal of trying new things - expanding my horizons - and this will unleash my inner writer; unlike my writing years of past when I approached the keyboard wearing a buzz like jewelry. So with the help of a friend earlier this summer, I trusted I could float on my back. This first solo- beach day I mastered it and swam about on my back, playing in the water all by myself like a little kid.

I got in more writing before I left and decided to go back the next day. Again, write to the notebook - as in paper and pen (didn't bring the netbook) and cranked out the first scene. A guy who had noticed me the day before when we exchange polite greetings came over to introduce himself. Turns out he is part of the AHC - Appalachian Hiking Club, a club I had recently researched and considered joining. We talked briefly, exchanged emails, then I ate my lunch and decided to go for another nature walk. This time I took my beach bag with my notebook, camera, etc. I walked quite a ways, no longer able to hear any of the beach patrons but instead the chipper of busy chipmunks and calls of various birds. I didn't hear anything from the snake I almost stepped on but since he didn't slither I was able to get a couple pictures.

As I thought out my script, I would stop along different points and write and then walk some more. One particular spot, caught in the shot above, I spent a great deal of time at while finishing up the second scene. I decided I was enjoying myself way too much and would bring my daughter the next day as soon as school let out (I did). Yep, I believe that officially made me a beach bum, especially if I count that I went out to the ocean the Sunday before. But the weather was amazing for late August/early September and the amount of writing I got in - along with a little bit more color, was well worth the time. That evening and in the mornings to follow at home I transferred from paper to my netbook and I have continued to work on the script. Just this morning (Labor Day) I was impressed that for two hours straight from the time I woke up I wrote before checking email or Facebook.

So ends another weekend and starts another work week where I don't have to dress up into office clothes. The heatwave has broken and the forecast shows average temperatures for this week -in the 70s. Tia back to school, friends and family back to work. Well I think this week I will do some hiking - with pen and paper!

Reaching New Heights

Last Friday was a day of highs and lows. I had recently given my notice at work (one of my 2010 new year's resolutions - get a new job) and was prepared that day to leave immediately or give as much notice as she wanted. The new job was flexible for when I started and I had concerns due to certain drama at work that I may be asked to just leave -no noticed needed. Instead she appeared sad and excited for me at the same time and said I could give as much notice as I wanted - I gave a month. I went home and felt some trepidation towards her reaction and emailed her. I got back this email reply stating how wonderful I have been - her "right hand" person for so long and what a huge hole I would be leaving, but that I was very marketable and with my experience/resume that they couldn't afford to keep me. Blah, blah, blah - she's so politically professional. I didn't tell her I was taking a huge pay cut just to get the hell out of there!

However - in the business world people are not to be trusted. Friday - she shows up at the office and says she decided to accept my immediate resignation and asked for my keys. She had no good answer when I asked why. She said I would be paid for the next two weeks. My best guess is that our outreach person and her personal friend had just lost her funding and would be taking over my hours. WTF - right? Seriously, I have done some great work for this agency and this is how she ends it?

But anyway - not to be deterred, I was scheduled for a helicopter ride that night and was close to cancelling when I decided no, I needed something new and fun. Let me just say it was amazing! OMG - it was more than amazing, it was exhilarating! We flew over the city, over the lake and to the mountains in northern Maine. We landed on Saddleback Mountain - on a peak near impossible to hike to unless you hike up and down and up again from the mountain before it. We got out and hung out there, took some pictures and I felt so free, so enlighten. So high on life - and so determined!

In truth, I may just be stuck in denial. Have I really thought out this huge pay cut and how I am going to pay my mortgage? Not to mention a couple of weeks with no income... Hell no - but still I'm not afraid. I have given up ideal hours and great benefits for less but I feel good about this because I have stepped away from something stagnant, something that was holding me back. And the program I leave behind is something I truly believe in but after 14 years and no real changes in the work I do - I was feeling so stuck and bored. I will miss some of the women - some of the greatest women I have ever known, but I will keep in contact with them. Keep in mind, that in a few months I might be blogging from the library as I won't be able to pay my Internet bill... but that's another story. I just know that when there is a will there is always a way. This new job offers lots of opportunities for advancement and due to less hours, I will have more writing time!

Balloons in the City

Last weekend was the Balloon Festival here in Lewiston & Auburn Maine. All kinds of hot air balloons launched at dawn and dusk for three days and filled the skies as vendors sold their wares and live music played on both sides of the twin cities. I of course took my camera and chased balloons. I got some great shots of balloons over the canal and river and going past the church. I also got some great close ups and angles that would make for better display photos, but I chose this particular picture for this post because this is what it really boiled down to - balloons in the city.

When a mirror is dirty we take glass cleaner and clean it because it makes sense to see a clear image. When life is difficult we keep things in perspective and focus on the positive because that makes sense as well. It is also healthy - for just because there are hardships and sadness, you would not benefit from draining your energy on things you can not change. However, sometimes instead of looking past the telephone poles and wires, trying to leave them out for that perfect shot, you have to stop and appreciate all that you have -including what you may consider less or ugly. And I mean really appreciate because everything that affects us, everything that has happened to us, makes us who we are today.

So today, August 30, 2010 I start a new chapter. I am excited and honestly I am not scared, although I keep thinking I should be for some recent changes that have occured will greatly change much in my life - but more on that in my next blog. Really, I am just excited and ready. I have been tugging along at this slow speed for way too long and if you know me personally than you would know that I need and crave excitement. I think I decided long ago that due to becoming a young parent I would (mostly) have to give up living on the edge. For awhile I wasted time playing role-playing games (when the children were young and went to bed) where I could pretend life was more exciting - because slaying a dragon is pretty damn cool! Also -I took to my stories in my head and started putting them on paper - not to my satisfaction but this will definitely be part of this new chapter in my life!

But more than all that, I am going to start really living again. My history takes me from a underprivileged child in a broken home, to a wild teenager, to a young parent, to a hard working single mom - but codependent on guys in oh so many ways. I can accept that I have needed the attention from males to make me feel good about myself and keep me entertained. Often, once I captured someones full attention, I would get bored and be ready for new attention. This has taken me on adventures from California to Europe on more than one occasion and I have no regrets - life has been mostly exciting.

Recently things have changed and I wasn't able to capture the full attention of one particular guy that I will call Peter Pan. I gave him that much credit, that he would be the magic into new adventures and opportunities, that he would take me to Neverland like no other guy has ever been able to do. It turns out he was just another regular guy who couldn't even lift me off the ground, let alone fly himself. He had told me he wasn't there mentally for me - but I only took it as a challenge - afterall the physical connection was pretty damn good. However, the experience has humbled me some and this is good. I realize I sometimes get blinded by passion and now once again the glass is clean, the telephone wires are in the way, and I can see that it wasn't going to be anything more -and more importantly I can truly just let it go.

My main focus for the month of September will be (1)Get my house back in order - whereas my oldest daughter has recently moved out so I can once again fix up the family room downstairs and tackle the cellar. (2)Writing - oh yeah, not just blogging but working on my actual stories! I am also going to post a flier at the library to start a writers group as I no longer have a Monday night write partner. This is just another example of good coming from bad (or to use the old cliche that when one door closes another one opens!) (3)Hiking and enjoying nature as much as possible before I go back to work in October (more on that in next blog). (4) Photography- this really goes with #3 as I love nature photography more than any other kind. I also like posting a picture with my blogs so will make it a new goal from here forward to use actual photos I have taken with my blogs. (5) Anything new! I am still working on my ten new things a year resolution and I am hoping to knock off a couple more during one of my favorite months!

So this summer has been crazy. Some of the things that have happened I will not share for they are personal to my family and and we continue to deal with. I have not gotten in much writing at all (sadly) but I have certainly been out and about and experiencing and taking advantage of opportunities and creating some changes that I am very excited about! Overall, life is good and beautiful. And no matter where you are in life, it helps to look up - you may just realize that telephone poles and wires and street lights can be beautiful.

To the Top of the Mountain!

I love summer. I really love just being outdoors and enjoying the weather - so ok, spring and autumn are great too and with a pile of clothes I can enjoy winter as well. But right now I am enjoying summer. When I am outdoors away from the house, the office, the chores, the bills, etc, etc, I can forget about those things and truly be with myself. I can feel the air on my skin and appreciate the greatness of our vast planet and I feel energized and excited and, most importantly, I feel alive.

I went hiking the other day at Big Moose Mountain (formerly known as Big Squaw Mountain) and brought along my 13 year old daughter who does not like the concept of hiking. It was a new mountain for me and my friend minimized the hike as gradual and easy. I really got worried when early on in the hike my daughter, Tia, got dizzy and had to sit down. All of a sudden my gung-ho that I always will make it to the top started to slip past me like a rock that I kicked out underfoot and had tumbled down the cliff. I had to make it to the top but at the same time, I could never leave my child behind. My mind raced with the "what ifs". What if she couldn't finish, then I would have to come back, I would never let this hike go unfinished! What if I pushed her on and then she past out? What if - what if... my thoughts tried to keep pushing out, but I could hear a variety of birds and a cool breeze washed over me and I relaxed. It was such a beautiful day.

The group was fantastic and seemingly appreciated the reason to stop and take a break. After a few minutes and some water, Tia was ready to press on. That's my girl! It was a good hike. It was steep at times and very rocky. Leveled ground was like little god-sends as were all the little log bridges that crossed the streams. This particular trail was used at some point by fire marshalls who had erected a tower at the top to watch for forest fires.

The hike itself was to take about three to four hours. Midway up was an old cabin falling apart - where the guy who had built the bridges and some of the stairs had stayed during that time. It was full with carvings of initials and signatures of hikers past. My friend Ken who has been hiking this trail since he was a child had his mark in several places with the year noted. We all add our own names and took pictures and then pressed on.

Just as most of the group was ready for another break, we came to a look out point with a great view of Moosehead lake. A huge boulder made for a great resting point as we drank water, ate trail mix and took pictures. My body was riveting -the feeling of heat born of hard work and sweat and the slight breeze mingled and danced throughout me in enlightenment and renewed energy. Life is good. More so life is beautiful and sweet and precious and the opportunities are endless.

The top of the mountain was not in site but I knew we were going to make it. I was enjoying the climb and being immersed in nature. Everything was so beautiful and I was sharing the experience with my beautiful young daughter. It reminded me that much of life is exactly like that. I sometimes forget when I am in the hurry to to complete something, like a book I'm working on, that I should just enjoy the journey, for as long as I'm moving forward, I will reach the top.

When someone up ahead shouted they could see the tower, my first thought was already? But then that gave Tia the energy to push forward and get to the top. The view itself was spectacular. Thousands of colorful dragonflies chased the winds. The expansion of trees stretched out below us like a carpet of greens. The lakes underneath the low fog in the distance reminded us how grand this mountain really was - and in comparison, how small we really are - but together so harmonious. Life is truly beautiful.

All by myself

I went out to a bar last night to distract myself. It doesn't matter what I was trying to distract myself from, just that I really needed a distraction. An old friend was meeting me there. I arrived a few minutes before him and was feeling pretty good about myself - I looked good in my red tank top and felt confident as I entered the crowd. There were two large tents set up outside for some live bands and the weather was perfect. Derek arrived and we ordered drinks and chatted. Mostly he talked and I listened. No correction, mostly he talked and I tried to listen. My mind kept going to what I was trying to distract myself from.

So after we got caught up, we ordered new drinks and took them outside to hear the bands. Instead I found myself watching the people within the crowd. A few people I knew stopped by to say hello and then some I didn't know stopped and talked with Derek as he stepped back to have a smoke. I sat down and found myself watching the people again. One of the singers on stage was in her moment. Her rhythm and step, moving to the music, she was in her prime. I looked at the guitarist and I could see in his face how the music flowed through him. One lady not far from me decided to take the dance floor and pulled her friend out with her. You can tell she was confident and her friend was hesitant. I thought how when I'm in my prime I could be that person that goes out to the dance floor first, but not this night, this night I was a watcher. I looked around the rest of the crowd. Groups were laughing and drinking, all having a good time. I wondered what demons haunted them when they were not out drowning their thoughts. What problems did they have back at home? I noticed several people checking their cell phones and some were busy texting. What distracted them? I then noticed an older man watching me and I wondered what he thought of me. Did he know how lost and alone I felt? In a crowd that large, drink in hand, and even then I couldn't pretend or distract myself from what I really wanted. Derek asked if I wanted another drink and I declined. I realized I didn't want to be there. It didn't matter that I was there with a good friend and there was music, laughter, drinks and beautiful weather... I just wanted to go home. I was in a large crowd but I was there all by myself.

Today I dragged my 13 year old out for walk down by the river. I listened to her tell me the same stories she has told me before about friends and camp and school. I tried to keep the focus and encourage her to enjoy the walk since she would have rather been at home on the computer. When it started to rain, I tried to get her to enjoy the feel of the rain on her skin. I stopped and stretched out my arms and looked to the sky. I felt the tiny splashes of rain as they bounced off my skin and ran down my arms and face. I tried to find my center. It was a good day, I wasn't so distracted.

I know I need to find balance. I know I need to let the distractions go. I know I need to prioritize but not beat myself up. I know I am busy and have lots of responsibilities. I know I also waste a lot of time. Mostly I know I am good person, inside out, and a good friend to those I care about. I know in the end things will work out.

All by myself, but I am not alone, not really.