Balloons in the City

Last weekend was the Balloon Festival here in Lewiston & Auburn Maine. All kinds of hot air balloons launched at dawn and dusk for three days and filled the skies as vendors sold their wares and live music played on both sides of the twin cities. I of course took my camera and chased balloons. I got some great shots of balloons over the canal and river and going past the church. I also got some great close ups and angles that would make for better display photos, but I chose this particular picture for this post because this is what it really boiled down to - balloons in the city.

When a mirror is dirty we take glass cleaner and clean it because it makes sense to see a clear image. When life is difficult we keep things in perspective and focus on the positive because that makes sense as well. It is also healthy - for just because there are hardships and sadness, you would not benefit from draining your energy on things you can not change. However, sometimes instead of looking past the telephone poles and wires, trying to leave them out for that perfect shot, you have to stop and appreciate all that you have -including what you may consider less or ugly. And I mean really appreciate because everything that affects us, everything that has happened to us, makes us who we are today.

So today, August 30, 2010 I start a new chapter. I am excited and honestly I am not scared, although I keep thinking I should be for some recent changes that have occured will greatly change much in my life - but more on that in my next blog. Really, I am just excited and ready. I have been tugging along at this slow speed for way too long and if you know me personally than you would know that I need and crave excitement. I think I decided long ago that due to becoming a young parent I would (mostly) have to give up living on the edge. For awhile I wasted time playing role-playing games (when the children were young and went to bed) where I could pretend life was more exciting - because slaying a dragon is pretty damn cool! Also -I took to my stories in my head and started putting them on paper - not to my satisfaction but this will definitely be part of this new chapter in my life!

But more than all that, I am going to start really living again. My history takes me from a underprivileged child in a broken home, to a wild teenager, to a young parent, to a hard working single mom - but codependent on guys in oh so many ways. I can accept that I have needed the attention from males to make me feel good about myself and keep me entertained. Often, once I captured someones full attention, I would get bored and be ready for new attention. This has taken me on adventures from California to Europe on more than one occasion and I have no regrets - life has been mostly exciting.

Recently things have changed and I wasn't able to capture the full attention of one particular guy that I will call Peter Pan. I gave him that much credit, that he would be the magic into new adventures and opportunities, that he would take me to Neverland like no other guy has ever been able to do. It turns out he was just another regular guy who couldn't even lift me off the ground, let alone fly himself. He had told me he wasn't there mentally for me - but I only took it as a challenge - afterall the physical connection was pretty damn good. However, the experience has humbled me some and this is good. I realize I sometimes get blinded by passion and now once again the glass is clean, the telephone wires are in the way, and I can see that it wasn't going to be anything more -and more importantly I can truly just let it go.

My main focus for the month of September will be (1)Get my house back in order - whereas my oldest daughter has recently moved out so I can once again fix up the family room downstairs and tackle the cellar. (2)Writing - oh yeah, not just blogging but working on my actual stories! I am also going to post a flier at the library to start a writers group as I no longer have a Monday night write partner. This is just another example of good coming from bad (or to use the old cliche that when one door closes another one opens!) (3)Hiking and enjoying nature as much as possible before I go back to work in October (more on that in next blog). (4) Photography- this really goes with #3 as I love nature photography more than any other kind. I also like posting a picture with my blogs so will make it a new goal from here forward to use actual photos I have taken with my blogs. (5) Anything new! I am still working on my ten new things a year resolution and I am hoping to knock off a couple more during one of my favorite months!

So this summer has been crazy. Some of the things that have happened I will not share for they are personal to my family and and we continue to deal with. I have not gotten in much writing at all (sadly) but I have certainly been out and about and experiencing and taking advantage of opportunities and creating some changes that I am very excited about! Overall, life is good and beautiful. And no matter where you are in life, it helps to look up - you may just realize that telephone poles and wires and street lights can be beautiful.

To the Top of the Mountain!

I love summer. I really love just being outdoors and enjoying the weather - so ok, spring and autumn are great too and with a pile of clothes I can enjoy winter as well. But right now I am enjoying summer. When I am outdoors away from the house, the office, the chores, the bills, etc, etc, I can forget about those things and truly be with myself. I can feel the air on my skin and appreciate the greatness of our vast planet and I feel energized and excited and, most importantly, I feel alive.

I went hiking the other day at Big Moose Mountain (formerly known as Big Squaw Mountain) and brought along my 13 year old daughter who does not like the concept of hiking. It was a new mountain for me and my friend minimized the hike as gradual and easy. I really got worried when early on in the hike my daughter, Tia, got dizzy and had to sit down. All of a sudden my gung-ho that I always will make it to the top started to slip past me like a rock that I kicked out underfoot and had tumbled down the cliff. I had to make it to the top but at the same time, I could never leave my child behind. My mind raced with the "what ifs". What if she couldn't finish, then I would have to come back, I would never let this hike go unfinished! What if I pushed her on and then she past out? What if - what if... my thoughts tried to keep pushing out, but I could hear a variety of birds and a cool breeze washed over me and I relaxed. It was such a beautiful day.

The group was fantastic and seemingly appreciated the reason to stop and take a break. After a few minutes and some water, Tia was ready to press on. That's my girl! It was a good hike. It was steep at times and very rocky. Leveled ground was like little god-sends as were all the little log bridges that crossed the streams. This particular trail was used at some point by fire marshalls who had erected a tower at the top to watch for forest fires.

The hike itself was to take about three to four hours. Midway up was an old cabin falling apart - where the guy who had built the bridges and some of the stairs had stayed during that time. It was full with carvings of initials and signatures of hikers past. My friend Ken who has been hiking this trail since he was a child had his mark in several places with the year noted. We all add our own names and took pictures and then pressed on.

Just as most of the group was ready for another break, we came to a look out point with a great view of Moosehead lake. A huge boulder made for a great resting point as we drank water, ate trail mix and took pictures. My body was riveting -the feeling of heat born of hard work and sweat and the slight breeze mingled and danced throughout me in enlightenment and renewed energy. Life is good. More so life is beautiful and sweet and precious and the opportunities are endless.

The top of the mountain was not in site but I knew we were going to make it. I was enjoying the climb and being immersed in nature. Everything was so beautiful and I was sharing the experience with my beautiful young daughter. It reminded me that much of life is exactly like that. I sometimes forget when I am in the hurry to to complete something, like a book I'm working on, that I should just enjoy the journey, for as long as I'm moving forward, I will reach the top.

When someone up ahead shouted they could see the tower, my first thought was already? But then that gave Tia the energy to push forward and get to the top. The view itself was spectacular. Thousands of colorful dragonflies chased the winds. The expansion of trees stretched out below us like a carpet of greens. The lakes underneath the low fog in the distance reminded us how grand this mountain really was - and in comparison, how small we really are - but together so harmonious. Life is truly beautiful.

All by myself

I went out to a bar last night to distract myself. It doesn't matter what I was trying to distract myself from, just that I really needed a distraction. An old friend was meeting me there. I arrived a few minutes before him and was feeling pretty good about myself - I looked good in my red tank top and felt confident as I entered the crowd. There were two large tents set up outside for some live bands and the weather was perfect. Derek arrived and we ordered drinks and chatted. Mostly he talked and I listened. No correction, mostly he talked and I tried to listen. My mind kept going to what I was trying to distract myself from.

So after we got caught up, we ordered new drinks and took them outside to hear the bands. Instead I found myself watching the people within the crowd. A few people I knew stopped by to say hello and then some I didn't know stopped and talked with Derek as he stepped back to have a smoke. I sat down and found myself watching the people again. One of the singers on stage was in her moment. Her rhythm and step, moving to the music, she was in her prime. I looked at the guitarist and I could see in his face how the music flowed through him. One lady not far from me decided to take the dance floor and pulled her friend out with her. You can tell she was confident and her friend was hesitant. I thought how when I'm in my prime I could be that person that goes out to the dance floor first, but not this night, this night I was a watcher. I looked around the rest of the crowd. Groups were laughing and drinking, all having a good time. I wondered what demons haunted them when they were not out drowning their thoughts. What problems did they have back at home? I noticed several people checking their cell phones and some were busy texting. What distracted them? I then noticed an older man watching me and I wondered what he thought of me. Did he know how lost and alone I felt? In a crowd that large, drink in hand, and even then I couldn't pretend or distract myself from what I really wanted. Derek asked if I wanted another drink and I declined. I realized I didn't want to be there. It didn't matter that I was there with a good friend and there was music, laughter, drinks and beautiful weather... I just wanted to go home. I was in a large crowd but I was there all by myself.

Today I dragged my 13 year old out for walk down by the river. I listened to her tell me the same stories she has told me before about friends and camp and school. I tried to keep the focus and encourage her to enjoy the walk since she would have rather been at home on the computer. When it started to rain, I tried to get her to enjoy the feel of the rain on her skin. I stopped and stretched out my arms and looked to the sky. I felt the tiny splashes of rain as they bounced off my skin and ran down my arms and face. I tried to find my center. It was a good day, I wasn't so distracted.

I know I need to find balance. I know I need to let the distractions go. I know I need to prioritize but not beat myself up. I know I am busy and have lots of responsibilities. I know I also waste a lot of time. Mostly I know I am good person, inside out, and a good friend to those I care about. I know in the end things will work out.

All by myself, but I am not alone, not really.

Meet Michael and Melissa

So I did spend last write-night creating two of my characters. Michael and Melissa are 21 year old twins (only children) born in a New York to a well to do parents. Father is Jewish and a lawyer and mother is a Christian born in Maine (parents from Canada). She is a Nurse practitioner. Both parents worked a lot and the kids were mostly raised by a nurse maid and other household help. They still live in their parents house. Raised in New York city, but moved to Maine (mother's home state) to get away from the city when the kids were in High school. Money was never an issue but they were given very little parental guidance. Michael was kicked out of Princeton for drug use. They refused him his trust fund and in part to earn back his parent's trust he started taking classes at Maine State College of Science (MSCS). Melissa studied abroad right of high school and returned to the states a year ago (right about the time Michael was kicked out Princeton – and she too not wanting to work and no clue what she wants to do with her life decided to take a few classes at MSCS where she met Keith, thus Collins, etc. She at times can be snobbish like she's better than the rest of the group (making allowances for only Keith) but because she can't lure him away from Collins, she puts up with the rest.

I gave them a little bit of background and personification - Melissa is materialistic and Michael is a bit reckless. They are not the main characters but now I know more how they will interact with the main characters. I may decide to change details about them as I go along - any of them really, but I need these starting points for my secondary characters.

I plan to work on the rest of the secondary characters tomorrow at write-night. With the great weather and so much going on I've been rather distracted from writing. Not making excuses, it's just the way it is and family first :)

Character Profiling

During write-night I came to a realization that I can not just create/enhance the characters as I go along. This is frustrating for me because despite the many books on writing that stresses the importance of character profiling - I always thought the story itself would lead the way and create the characters.

For clarification I am not referring to "Reality Fades" - in that story I have the characters down because I have been creating them since I was a child. So no, I haven't "stuck to one story" either like I said I would - maybe a little A.D.D. but anyway, I'm referring to "Future End" (temp title of a sci-fi). The first scene is interesting enough with just two characters, but the second scene jumps to a group of seven who are all big players in the story -and from there I am stuck.

I have an outline for the story so I know where it is going but I can't seem to get past that first chapter. I have a page with their names and connections but after that I don't really know them. This I realize is why I cannot complete the scene. More so, they are all using the same "voice" so now I know, I really know before I go further with this particular story, I need to create the stories of my characters.

This I will do by not jumping straight to the scene of where they have gathered. Instead I will pull them in a few at the time on the way to the gathering. This way I am only throwing out a couple new names at a time. But first I will do what I have been putting off - character profiling.

Feeling up my characters...

Emotional roller coasters and spinning out of control... well not healthy and not fun to deal with. Don't get me wrong, we are entitled to our emotions and as a-close-to-approaching-middle-age woman... I am probably experiencing my share of emotions with a splatter of midlife crisis. Now none of this is good for my family and horrible for my personal life, but for my characters... well, that's another story -correction, that's my stories.

I have dealt with more in this past month than I have dealt with in the last couple years. I think some of it was build-up stuff, like the fact that my oldest daughter is pregnant and I'm going to be a grandmother - a word I haven't been able to spit out until now, but a lot of it was stuff I brought on, decisions I've made, and the consequences of those decisions.

All resulting in very strong feelings - I felt guilty (with my family), I felt lost (in my relationships), I felt desperate (with my job), I felt sad and confused (lost of a good friend), I felt betrayed by my higher powers, angry with my past, scared of the future - and so much pressure in so many directions, I almost broke.

Somehow I didn't. I look to my children for strength, for even if I have nothing else I have three beautiful daughters that are the center of my universe. I need to be here for them - but what to do with all these feelings? Well I will sit with myself and deal with them - and I will feel them. I will own them. I will not let them own me or slow me down. Then I will give them to my characters.

I wish I could say I wrote more tonight -being write-night and all but mostly I thought. Mentally I enhanced a few characters. I know my main character is desperate and spinning out of control... I gave her some more depth, humanity, some of my feelings. I often like to think out a scene before writing it down; really get into my character's mind and "feel" the experience. Actually - I think I will go write some more now.

Here's to not giving up and moving forward in life.

Cheers

Getting my ducks in a Row

Had a good write-night Monday. I spent the time working on an old story - the one that goes way back to childhood and dreams. My dilemma with it is that I have so many different beginnings, that I'm at a lost with which one to use. I'm told just pick one, forge forward, worry about order in the end and that is the decision I need to make - which one to pick?

The story takes place over a number of years. The main character's childhood is very relevant, so one angle would be to start with that and then do "five years later" or whatever. But the story isn't a children's story, so then I want to start in the middle of an exciting scene in the present and use flashbacks to explain the past. Of course the use of flashbacks is tricky at best and we're cautioned away from them.

I realize that I jump around on which stories/scripts I spend time with and I am doing it yet again. It is part of my short attention span I suppose. At work I often do a few different tasks simultaneously. I can be doing data/chart entry and in between each run a different original through the copier, take a call, place them on hold for another call... etc, etc, and I like that. It breaks up the day, keeps it interesting, and I get more done. In a busy office I guess multitasking makes sense -but for my stories, it's time for... do I dare say it? ... commitment?

Like life, I guess eventually one has to choose a course, get their ducks in a row and move forward. I don't think I could just work on "one" story but I also have this blog and can dabble in other writing like an essay or poem. It can be like reading, I always have a story going, but sometimes I pick up a magazine instead.

So then the decision becomes which story? Reality Fades is the above mentioned one. In some ways I've avoided it because I believe it will be the hardest to write -it has become personal and the story line is difficult. But I know the characters very well and I know the story including the end - just need to figure out how to tell it.

Then I have a script idea which seems like it should be easy to write. Not that long ago I made a list of pros and cons of each story/script then before I had a chance to review it a lot happened and all my stories were all neglected. Time to pull it out and make a grown-up decision...