To the Top of the Mountain!

I love summer. I really love just being outdoors and enjoying the weather - so ok, spring and autumn are great too and with a pile of clothes I can enjoy winter as well. But right now I am enjoying summer. When I am outdoors away from the house, the office, the chores, the bills, etc, etc, I can forget about those things and truly be with myself. I can feel the air on my skin and appreciate the greatness of our vast planet and I feel energized and excited and, most importantly, I feel alive.

I went hiking the other day at Big Moose Mountain (formerly known as Big Squaw Mountain) and brought along my 13 year old daughter who does not like the concept of hiking. It was a new mountain for me and my friend minimized the hike as gradual and easy. I really got worried when early on in the hike my daughter, Tia, got dizzy and had to sit down. All of a sudden my gung-ho that I always will make it to the top started to slip past me like a rock that I kicked out underfoot and had tumbled down the cliff. I had to make it to the top but at the same time, I could never leave my child behind. My mind raced with the "what ifs". What if she couldn't finish, then I would have to come back, I would never let this hike go unfinished! What if I pushed her on and then she past out? What if - what if... my thoughts tried to keep pushing out, but I could hear a variety of birds and a cool breeze washed over me and I relaxed. It was such a beautiful day.

The group was fantastic and seemingly appreciated the reason to stop and take a break. After a few minutes and some water, Tia was ready to press on. That's my girl! It was a good hike. It was steep at times and very rocky. Leveled ground was like little god-sends as were all the little log bridges that crossed the streams. This particular trail was used at some point by fire marshalls who had erected a tower at the top to watch for forest fires.

The hike itself was to take about three to four hours. Midway up was an old cabin falling apart - where the guy who had built the bridges and some of the stairs had stayed during that time. It was full with carvings of initials and signatures of hikers past. My friend Ken who has been hiking this trail since he was a child had his mark in several places with the year noted. We all add our own names and took pictures and then pressed on.

Just as most of the group was ready for another break, we came to a look out point with a great view of Moosehead lake. A huge boulder made for a great resting point as we drank water, ate trail mix and took pictures. My body was riveting -the feeling of heat born of hard work and sweat and the slight breeze mingled and danced throughout me in enlightenment and renewed energy. Life is good. More so life is beautiful and sweet and precious and the opportunities are endless.

The top of the mountain was not in site but I knew we were going to make it. I was enjoying the climb and being immersed in nature. Everything was so beautiful and I was sharing the experience with my beautiful young daughter. It reminded me that much of life is exactly like that. I sometimes forget when I am in the hurry to to complete something, like a book I'm working on, that I should just enjoy the journey, for as long as I'm moving forward, I will reach the top.

When someone up ahead shouted they could see the tower, my first thought was already? But then that gave Tia the energy to push forward and get to the top. The view itself was spectacular. Thousands of colorful dragonflies chased the winds. The expansion of trees stretched out below us like a carpet of greens. The lakes underneath the low fog in the distance reminded us how grand this mountain really was - and in comparison, how small we really are - but together so harmonious. Life is truly beautiful.

All by myself

I went out to a bar last night to distract myself. It doesn't matter what I was trying to distract myself from, just that I really needed a distraction. An old friend was meeting me there. I arrived a few minutes before him and was feeling pretty good about myself - I looked good in my red tank top and felt confident as I entered the crowd. There were two large tents set up outside for some live bands and the weather was perfect. Derek arrived and we ordered drinks and chatted. Mostly he talked and I listened. No correction, mostly he talked and I tried to listen. My mind kept going to what I was trying to distract myself from.

So after we got caught up, we ordered new drinks and took them outside to hear the bands. Instead I found myself watching the people within the crowd. A few people I knew stopped by to say hello and then some I didn't know stopped and talked with Derek as he stepped back to have a smoke. I sat down and found myself watching the people again. One of the singers on stage was in her moment. Her rhythm and step, moving to the music, she was in her prime. I looked at the guitarist and I could see in his face how the music flowed through him. One lady not far from me decided to take the dance floor and pulled her friend out with her. You can tell she was confident and her friend was hesitant. I thought how when I'm in my prime I could be that person that goes out to the dance floor first, but not this night, this night I was a watcher. I looked around the rest of the crowd. Groups were laughing and drinking, all having a good time. I wondered what demons haunted them when they were not out drowning their thoughts. What problems did they have back at home? I noticed several people checking their cell phones and some were busy texting. What distracted them? I then noticed an older man watching me and I wondered what he thought of me. Did he know how lost and alone I felt? In a crowd that large, drink in hand, and even then I couldn't pretend or distract myself from what I really wanted. Derek asked if I wanted another drink and I declined. I realized I didn't want to be there. It didn't matter that I was there with a good friend and there was music, laughter, drinks and beautiful weather... I just wanted to go home. I was in a large crowd but I was there all by myself.

Today I dragged my 13 year old out for walk down by the river. I listened to her tell me the same stories she has told me before about friends and camp and school. I tried to keep the focus and encourage her to enjoy the walk since she would have rather been at home on the computer. When it started to rain, I tried to get her to enjoy the feel of the rain on her skin. I stopped and stretched out my arms and looked to the sky. I felt the tiny splashes of rain as they bounced off my skin and ran down my arms and face. I tried to find my center. It was a good day, I wasn't so distracted.

I know I need to find balance. I know I need to let the distractions go. I know I need to prioritize but not beat myself up. I know I am busy and have lots of responsibilities. I know I also waste a lot of time. Mostly I know I am good person, inside out, and a good friend to those I care about. I know in the end things will work out.

All by myself, but I am not alone, not really.

Meet Michael and Melissa

So I did spend last write-night creating two of my characters. Michael and Melissa are 21 year old twins (only children) born in a New York to a well to do parents. Father is Jewish and a lawyer and mother is a Christian born in Maine (parents from Canada). She is a Nurse practitioner. Both parents worked a lot and the kids were mostly raised by a nurse maid and other household help. They still live in their parents house. Raised in New York city, but moved to Maine (mother's home state) to get away from the city when the kids were in High school. Money was never an issue but they were given very little parental guidance. Michael was kicked out of Princeton for drug use. They refused him his trust fund and in part to earn back his parent's trust he started taking classes at Maine State College of Science (MSCS). Melissa studied abroad right of high school and returned to the states a year ago (right about the time Michael was kicked out Princeton – and she too not wanting to work and no clue what she wants to do with her life decided to take a few classes at MSCS where she met Keith, thus Collins, etc. She at times can be snobbish like she's better than the rest of the group (making allowances for only Keith) but because she can't lure him away from Collins, she puts up with the rest.

I gave them a little bit of background and personification - Melissa is materialistic and Michael is a bit reckless. They are not the main characters but now I know more how they will interact with the main characters. I may decide to change details about them as I go along - any of them really, but I need these starting points for my secondary characters.

I plan to work on the rest of the secondary characters tomorrow at write-night. With the great weather and so much going on I've been rather distracted from writing. Not making excuses, it's just the way it is and family first :)

Character Profiling

During write-night I came to a realization that I can not just create/enhance the characters as I go along. This is frustrating for me because despite the many books on writing that stresses the importance of character profiling - I always thought the story itself would lead the way and create the characters.

For clarification I am not referring to "Reality Fades" - in that story I have the characters down because I have been creating them since I was a child. So no, I haven't "stuck to one story" either like I said I would - maybe a little A.D.D. but anyway, I'm referring to "Future End" (temp title of a sci-fi). The first scene is interesting enough with just two characters, but the second scene jumps to a group of seven who are all big players in the story -and from there I am stuck.

I have an outline for the story so I know where it is going but I can't seem to get past that first chapter. I have a page with their names and connections but after that I don't really know them. This I realize is why I cannot complete the scene. More so, they are all using the same "voice" so now I know, I really know before I go further with this particular story, I need to create the stories of my characters.

This I will do by not jumping straight to the scene of where they have gathered. Instead I will pull them in a few at the time on the way to the gathering. This way I am only throwing out a couple new names at a time. But first I will do what I have been putting off - character profiling.

Feeling up my characters...

Emotional roller coasters and spinning out of control... well not healthy and not fun to deal with. Don't get me wrong, we are entitled to our emotions and as a-close-to-approaching-middle-age woman... I am probably experiencing my share of emotions with a splatter of midlife crisis. Now none of this is good for my family and horrible for my personal life, but for my characters... well, that's another story -correction, that's my stories.

I have dealt with more in this past month than I have dealt with in the last couple years. I think some of it was build-up stuff, like the fact that my oldest daughter is pregnant and I'm going to be a grandmother - a word I haven't been able to spit out until now, but a lot of it was stuff I brought on, decisions I've made, and the consequences of those decisions.

All resulting in very strong feelings - I felt guilty (with my family), I felt lost (in my relationships), I felt desperate (with my job), I felt sad and confused (lost of a good friend), I felt betrayed by my higher powers, angry with my past, scared of the future - and so much pressure in so many directions, I almost broke.

Somehow I didn't. I look to my children for strength, for even if I have nothing else I have three beautiful daughters that are the center of my universe. I need to be here for them - but what to do with all these feelings? Well I will sit with myself and deal with them - and I will feel them. I will own them. I will not let them own me or slow me down. Then I will give them to my characters.

I wish I could say I wrote more tonight -being write-night and all but mostly I thought. Mentally I enhanced a few characters. I know my main character is desperate and spinning out of control... I gave her some more depth, humanity, some of my feelings. I often like to think out a scene before writing it down; really get into my character's mind and "feel" the experience. Actually - I think I will go write some more now.

Here's to not giving up and moving forward in life.

Cheers

Getting my ducks in a Row

Had a good write-night Monday. I spent the time working on an old story - the one that goes way back to childhood and dreams. My dilemma with it is that I have so many different beginnings, that I'm at a lost with which one to use. I'm told just pick one, forge forward, worry about order in the end and that is the decision I need to make - which one to pick?

The story takes place over a number of years. The main character's childhood is very relevant, so one angle would be to start with that and then do "five years later" or whatever. But the story isn't a children's story, so then I want to start in the middle of an exciting scene in the present and use flashbacks to explain the past. Of course the use of flashbacks is tricky at best and we're cautioned away from them.

I realize that I jump around on which stories/scripts I spend time with and I am doing it yet again. It is part of my short attention span I suppose. At work I often do a few different tasks simultaneously. I can be doing data/chart entry and in between each run a different original through the copier, take a call, place them on hold for another call... etc, etc, and I like that. It breaks up the day, keeps it interesting, and I get more done. In a busy office I guess multitasking makes sense -but for my stories, it's time for... do I dare say it? ... commitment?

Like life, I guess eventually one has to choose a course, get their ducks in a row and move forward. I don't think I could just work on "one" story but I also have this blog and can dabble in other writing like an essay or poem. It can be like reading, I always have a story going, but sometimes I pick up a magazine instead.

So then the decision becomes which story? Reality Fades is the above mentioned one. In some ways I've avoided it because I believe it will be the hardest to write -it has become personal and the story line is difficult. But I know the characters very well and I know the story including the end - just need to figure out how to tell it.

Then I have a script idea which seems like it should be easy to write. Not that long ago I made a list of pros and cons of each story/script then before I had a chance to review it a lot happened and all my stories were all neglected. Time to pull it out and make a grown-up decision...

Not so happy mother's day and lost friends

Revised Mother's Day - May 09, 2010

I told a friend that when I write online I only write positive things - nothing that would indicate I was feeling down or weak. What I've come to realize is that sometimes (not often)when I think I am being optimistic (like in the last post I deleted), really I'm being vindictive - and I don't want to be like that. So today I am hurting and today I am writing from within.

I lost a good friend yesterday morning. I've known her since grade school and grew up nearby and went to school with her, worked with her, partied with her, she was at my kids birthday parties, etc. We were close until our kids got older and like a lot of friendships, we stopped keeping in close touch. But when I ran into Jane it was like nothing had changed and we could quickly get caught up and laugh and she was the same person. But I haven't seen her since my mom's funeral last year and now I'll never get to see her again.

The hardest, saddest part is that she lost her life needlessly - she was shot and killed by her husband yesterday at 3:30 in the morning. I've know Brian since I was a teenager. I didn't trust him and thought Jane deserved better, but I never in a million years thought this was going to happen.

They have two boys together, and the oldest one was home at the time of the shooting - barely 17. His younger brother who is 15 was at a friend's house. To them mother's day will not be celebrating their mom, but mourning. Forever this holiday will remind them of a tragedy that took away their parents.

I struggled to wake up from bad dreams last night. I don't recall the last time I had a dream that scared me but in it over and over again I struggled to move to get up and I couldn't and something was wrapping itself around me, slowing suffocating me. I woke up crying. My girls asleep and by myself I signed onto MSN hoping a friend - a friendship I may have completely destroyed two days ago- would be on just to feel not so alone for a moment. He was on - I'm sure he wasn't there to talk to me but rather because "his computer automatically logs him in" but for a second I didn't feel alone - and he wished me better dreams and a happy mother's day. So with the lights on I went back to sleep.

This morning wasn't much better. It hurts so much to think that eventually despite all the damage I've recently caused - resulting in having to find a new job and losing any chance of a real friendship with the above mentioned guy - my life will eventually get normal again. But for those two boys, it will never, ever be the same and for that I am so sad and so hurt.

I am so tired, so drained and I just want to numb myself and not feel this pain anymore. But I'm holding out and feeling it because another good friend Lisa, told me the other day not to deny the hurt and pain because without it I could never truly close the doors that need to be closed in order to open new ones.

This year had started out pretty good but just this last month - I don't remember the last time I felt this much hurt - so much happening at once. I keep asking God for strength to help me sort these feelings. How do I accept when bad things happen? How do I fix mistakes I've made? Or do I just let it all go and run away and hope somewhere else in Neverland a new adventure will help me forget? I don't want to run - I don't want to lose anymore friendships, I don't want to take life for granted, I don't want to get out of bed.

I'm so sorry Mom that I wasn't there for you more in the end. I'm sorry Travis and Tyson - that you won't ever have your mom back again. I'm sorry Jane that our friendship strayed and I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry daughters that today I probably won't mentally be here. I'm sorry Nick that despite all you are going through I was selfish and put me before our friendship. I'm sorry Lisa that I can't be that strong and close doors I don't want to close. I'm sorry to myself -I'm not as strong as I want to be - I'm not perfect.

I'm not giving up either. I'm just sharing what I'm feeling. Life is tough but I will be tougher. But today I am down, today I am weak.